The Spice of Life

2011-11-07T22:42:00.002-05:00

I'd thought for a portion of a minute
Like pixi dust in a treasure chest...marked with an "X"
I'd found him.
I saw him.
A face I painted a million times over
Different in each attempt
Appeared in a teardrop from my past.
I prepared to comfort this fantasy like an abandoned child.
I crushed stars and blew through galaxies to see his smile.
Enamored by a tainted idea of forever,
I held my arms out to the hope of talks under the stars and late lunches with him.
His name became part of my vernacular...
Just before he packed his things
I wrote my vows,
While he put my diginity in his suitcase like a keepsake to remind himself of my existence.
Foolish and aborted, again.
Waiting for him to return.
Stripped down,
Bare,
Acapella...
The band left.
The music knows something I haven't figured out yet.

Untitled

2011-02-06T18:37:00.002-05:00

If he'd just say the words...
He vanquishes those question marks
Sealing the gaps and settles the iniquity that festers in a race never won.
He puts a conclusion to the stories I was told....making all the fairy tales true.
I spend each day devising new ways to say "Thank You"...
He knows I'm the perfect candidate...
I fulfill old expectations, make new ones, boost egos and heal souls... all before breakfast,
Because I'm that bad...and he's that worth it.
His voice pays homage to ideas configured in better times.
A compliment to a queen's standards...
He's what was needed when my majesty sat in rags,
Hopeless in the dungeons of empty homes.
More than a breath of fresh air,
He's the wisp of oxygen I searched for feverishly when I drowned,
And he continues to save my life.
I'm retiring my poker face because he's my partner.
He called my bluff and nurtured it...
I bowed out gracefully.
He's an accoutrement that never overshadows...
Sitting on my tongue as the coolness of wine,
I feel my heart digest him in agreement.
I'm trying to put a face to this energy,
And dare someone to tell me I can't

2010-08-18T16:23:00.002-04:00

Avoiding missing you.
Conjuring ways to make the idea of you and I submit to the dormant layers of my thoughts.
I'm unsuccessful every time.
I'm trying not to ask anything of you.
Scared to ask you to stay...so soon.
I stand astonished at my willingness to share so much.
Restraining myself from locking the door behind you.
I'm taking leaps and strides directed toward your good graces,
Landing in a kiss that's bred to sparkle and enchant a disillusioned heart....
A kiss that sits patiently next to all that matters to me.
I practiced how I'd invite back before you even left the first time.
All of my cards are on the table...
A touch so definite...
Eyes that are knowing and confident enough to call my bluffs..
I notice your confidence as I watch you raise the stakes with every just-for-nothing text.
I'm in a place I promised myself I'd never be
With no regrets in sight.
I'm appreciative of you every time.

2010-07-28T21:55:00.002-04:00

I have to erase you.
Cease these violent truths with gentle ends,
Turn my head and not imagine you asking for a steady return.
I'm asking for scientific and figurative impossibilities.
I need you to stop mattering.
Stop being...here.
No more rendezvous in my subconscious
Self-inflicting this sure loss...
Losing the war when I permit you to my chambers.
The past glory of your affection can no longer grant you asylum here.
Your absence and your presence are co-existing
Playing on my sanity.
I'm routing for a team that's not even playing anymore.
As much as I need you....
I need you to go

2010-07-10T23:31:00.003-04:00

You are as real to me as the vows I took.
Your form becomes true and real when you whisper my name.
I thought you'd never come.
I've dug through the rubble of a fire I thought was extinguished,
Sifted through the debris of lies and "never again"s.
We connect as if we've been looking for one another.
You're my missing artifact.
You laugh when I hum tunes you don't know.
You're amazed at how comfortable we are in silence.
We promised forever and that's what I'm giving.
I am living for this commitment.
I am breathing life into flowers, notes, and candles.
Every nerve impulse dedicated to new ways of exceeding your expectations.
I am mimicking you.
I felt special when you chose me.
I still sleep in my white dress...
You're always here, dwelling in between whats real and what keeps me warm.
You are my "husband-in-my-head"
And I continue to share my forever with you.

Incomplete

2010-05-06T22:27:00.002-04:00

Escaping the melodramatic reality of solidarity
Feeling like half....
Not enough...
Maybe three quarters.
Falling short of worthiness....not able.

Cup half empty
Leaving you thirsty although you'll never say.
I'm sorry.
I'll walk in circles...
Trace my steps to find the ground I forgot to touch
Find the words I was supposed to say
Figure out my mistake
Find my way back to you.
I'm lost
Insufficient
Obsolete
Frivolous
Jaded
I'm just so.....without you.
I was thinking my heart's abundance sealed the holes...
Filled your vacancies
Maybe I never came close.
I'm too presumptuous that way.
I wasn't enough.

Finally... You're Here

2010-04-11T22:16:00.004-04:00

I'm still excited as if you continue to happen...
Like a recurrence....
I linger on your spurts of existence that never take leave
Entangled in the wings of butterflies born upon your majesty.
You continue to be
As if your breath thrives on the strength of your grip on my sanity.
Always something different but the same to me.
Standing where I've been for months....still.
I wait in moments that have already expired...but appear again as new.
Foolishly believing I'd changed...
I held onto you...
Adding personality to my daydreams
I wait for what seems like countless kalpas
The stroke of your hair lends merit to the minutes.
I'll stand diligent for as long as it takes.
You're better than you know.
So special that it's fact...absolute.
I think it's dope that you get me.
We've become each other's solutions.
So beautiful
*Sigh*
I miss you before you say goodbye.

While You Were Sleeping 2

2010-02-09T10:29:00.002-05:00

Up before you
I watch patiently....
Hovering like a new parent
Stealing kisses
Keeping tabs like a warden would...
Concerned....
In rapture...
Awake as if missing something,
Making sure you're really here
For I have daydreamed about these moments.
Upset that I wasted time on sleep in the first place.
Watching....
Wondering if you understand the risk I'm willing to take
The measures I'm capable of pushing just to keep you here...
I'm respecting you.
Watching....
Pushing my hope to the back burner
Rejection forcing me to relish in the present moment.
I am keeping the "I Love You"s on the curve of my lip
Hoping you'll taste them
Sweet as simple syrup
Just as I remember and long overdue.
I miss you more than it may be appropriate to say.
I'm up before you...
Savoring the now
Observing you in your solace
And now....for just right now...I have mine.

Sudden Solitude

2009-11-22T00:06:00.003-05:00

Daunting silence.
The steadiness of your breath.
Chest heaving...up and down.
I'm watching a sleeping ghost.
Closing my eyes, using my fingers to trace the lines of your face.
Addressing the cold spot on the other side of the bed.
Reading old messages,
Remembering sweet nothings,
Existing in a new realm of self-torture.
Bathing in puddles of tears.
Keeping broken appearances, lying to myself.
Stationed by a dead phone, uninhabited rooms, empty windows...
Made a mockery of by an uneventful caller ID.
One-sided conversations with picture mail...
I'm pitiful,
But not ashamed...
Sending cosmic energy
Wrapping my arms around you despite your absence.
I've never left...
I made promises that I now uphold to a phantom.
My heart was always ten steps ahead of forever.
It was in paradise with you.

To-Do List

2009-11-14T10:56:00.004-05:00

-Do the laundry

-Clean the bathroom again (because the last time I did it, I did a sucky job)

-Get out of bed

-Write in my journal

-Go to Target

-Reply to all the e-mails and messages that I've been avoiding for almost 2 weeks now

-Make an appointment with the dentist

-Take the measures to keep myself healthy

-Wipe my face

-Take Yusef to the museum

-Get in the damn kitchen and cook for the first time time in longer than I wanna reveal

-Stop blaming myself

-Get my Scrabble board game back

-Eat something more than yogurt....and fruit

-Practice doing the "Bridge" with my cards

-Do something nice for myself

-Quit staring at my screensaver

-Find my Jillian Michael's workout DVD...and work out

-Put my over-thinking in check

-Get some kinda normalcy going on

I'm With You

2009-10-22T09:17:00.002-04:00

You can find me sitting under icy stars...
Connecting the dots, making a face that's emblazoned across my home.
Find me sniffing the sheets
Savoring the moments for just another minute
Putting my head across your chest,
In awe of the musical agreement our heartbeats have decided upon.
I preserve you like ripe fruit and spread you thick to nourish my past.
I sustain you in the heart that's been missing.
I tried not to let you seep into my skin...
Begged your eyes not to call out my transparency
But you showed no clemency....
For once, I wasn't so lucky...but its fine.
Taking my common sense for high ransom
And I don't mind.
I'm putting my feet in your shoes
Filling the spaces with the passion of last night.
I think I get closer to you...
Holding high station in my existence
I am wearing you like religion on Sundays,
Reclining in deliverance.
You are the backbone and premise of my thoughts and everything I have to say
And I am standing in this emotion on stilts.
I'm walking on thick ice..
Walking around in that scene from a movie
Dancing in the rain
Digesting your thoughts, making them a part of me
I've dreamt of the good life, but I'm now basking in excellence.
I'm with you.

Husband

2009-10-05T05:10:00.000-04:00

I proclaimed you the bearer of my torch.
I hold onto your arm proudly...not afraid of falling.
You encompass the knight my mother promised me,
Safeguarding my heart, granting my dad's wish.
I thank you with my vulnerability.
My gratitude is leaps beyond what you can begin to fathom.
So in tune with your heart that its sitting on mine
Perched like a sheltered hummingbird in the distance.
I have played our wedding a million times,
Tattooed my vows on a star-kissed path to enlightenment.
I retire in your sweet nothings...
Smooth like Beaujolais on the driest night in Dahab.
I am waiting for quiet sunsets on the back porch sipping iced tea
No words needed
Walks under tranquil willow trees
Old butterflies still flapping their wings

While You Were Sleeping

2009-10-03T06:05:00.002-04:00

I'm staring at a resting savior...
Modest in his brow,
Lean in deceit or anything bad.
I am holding on with every ounce of who I am,
Watching the rise and fall of your chest, trying to mimic you.
I can only hope my breaths are that graceful.
These days they're staggered, restless, waiting for your call, staccato.
You're way too beautiful for me to just let you leave at the turn of light.
Maybe we were meant to be just like this.
I'm making up excuses to get me out of watching you leave.
Everything else never matters.
My hangups are precipitously disconnected with no room to breathe.
Your face is stapled under my eyelids and attached to my palm like a dingy love letter
Falling harder than a quarter from the top of a skyscraper....
For once, I'm not scared.

Maybe

2009-10-01T16:57:00.000-04:00

something I can say I really feel...a real dedication

I've been thinking of the possibilities
About the "what if's"
These thoughts....
Awaken dormant thirsts
Exciting my taste buds...leaving them in awe of something new.
This is refreshing...even in its obscurity.
They tickle me in my downtime
Revoking my woe's iniquities.
I am thinking of you....
Entertaining beautiful scenarios without shape
Pressing my face against the imprint left in my mind, feeling closer to you
Escaping vulnerability, standing firmer in this feeling...this....awareness.
More than a crush...a prospect.
I am thinking of you.....
Smiling a smile I thought I lost
It has been aroused by the citings of a face I may never see.
I am wondering things I shouldn't.
I am wondering if you're doing the same.

Old Maid?

2009-09-28T12:10:00.002-04:00

I woke up today a different person...

Ok...I'm not gonna say I've given up on love...not by a long shot. I just think I'm a realist and I've come to the conclusion that I just may end up being an old maid. I don't think I feel like playing this "game" that everyone else seems to be so fond of. I believe in marriage and the sanctity of it, but maybe it just won't happen for me. For a while, I was very upset about not having a significant other. I rationalized that I'm a good catch and there should be no reason for it. But to be perfectly honest...I'm ok with it now. I'm not asking. I'm not requesting. I'm not calling. I'm not texting..nothing. I know it sounds negative to list all the things I won't do. But I've expressed what I am willing to do and it wasn't good enough. So, I will not look at this as defeat, but a learning process. When the time is right, I'll know. Then, I can give my all.

Feeling as if the lonely nights are tenants now
They've become familiar like the paint on my walls
Bold in hue
The emptiness plays a drum roll for me
Asking me about my day
I'm living with absence and heartbreak
I'm co-existing with someone else's failure, making it my own
Proactive in defeat
Beaten up and downtrodden by disappointment
Bells ringing because I've lost the fight...so tired
Wondering if I have one more in me
Because this alone thing ain't cutting it

Its amazing how things always have a tendency to come full circle.

Thoughts again

2009-09-08T13:50:00.000-04:00

It's the circle of life...or men and women perhaps...

A bunch of miscommunication or "I didn't mean it that way"s...that type of thing. I mean, really...when does it stop? When do we just be real with one another? When do we say what we really need to say and not just what we think we want our other party to hear?

I'm a firm believer in actions and not words. But at times, you come across that one who does one thing and tells you another. You, like me, hope to heaven that at some point you begin to see the rewards of the semantics because he/she is sooo great....and like me......you wait.....and wait.......and wait. But when should enough be enough? Aren't we great too?

At what point do we stop playing the game and call a time out?

I recently wrote a post labelled "Common Ground". In it, I explored the theory of "relative love". The thought that people show their intentions in many different ways and the way we find our match is to find someone whose approach doesn't necessarily mimic...but compliment ours. For the sake of this post, I'm gonna call it "relative like".

I have unfortunately come to the conclusion that at times, we need to take the initiative and protect ourselves. If we don't, who will. You can't force someone to do what they aren't willing to do. But it damn sure hurts to think they don't wanna....

But, I'm keeping faith. I'm not assuming. I'm letting things come as they should. I have faith in love..with all of our differences, likes, and dislikes...I have faith. And I'm not afraid to say it.

Untitled

2009-09-01T04:03:00.002-04:00

I have never seen anything so beauteous
Never been held so tight by a feeling
Keeping me company when I'm sequestered in dark thought
A nightlight
A glow that was whispered in the times of holding hands and steady pins
Giving shape to the breath that keeps me kicking
I love the way I find completion in the thought of you
The way you rock under my eyelids in the morning
And stay there to tell me goodnight
I owe you more than you're aware of
Standing as a protector of my heart when solitude was becoming probable
I wonder if you felt me probing the depths of poetic verses to find your face
I wonder if you noticed me disarm during a kiss that is still lasting under my skin
This is almost too real to be mine
Gratitude suspended in the spaces between my thoughts
You're better than perfect, wearing your scars in my pockets
You're superhuman....
Choking the life out of any uncertainty in my heart

Venting again

2009-08-30T18:02:00.005-04:00

A little soon, I know

-Everything is about the new guy. I'm happy for you. In the same breath, you're forgetting about all the little people.

-That was a terrible decision. I thought way more of you.

-Its almost as if you say things to get a rise outta me. When you don't get what you were looking for, you get angry.

-I don't think I like the person you have become...at all. Mommy wouldn't be happy. I'm gonna have to love you from a distance.

-If you say you're gonna do something, do it. Silly me for taking your word.

-You're not frugal. You're cheap. You can't cut corners on EVERYTHING.

-It's always something with you. You're like a drama magnet. That's why I haven't returned your phone call.

-Just because you're a pessimist doesn't mean you should condemn someone else for dreaming.

-I'm helping not because I expect anything in return, but because I think you're great and you deserve it.

-I'm starting to think you don't like me. I feel as if I'm reaching.

-Uhhhh...helllooo??? Point taken.

Just Venting....

2009-08-25T15:15:00.004-04:00

Yes, yes,yes...I know...just like "Tell 'Em How You Feel Thursday"

-You know your kids are a lil fast, right? Well..they are. I think if you spent more time paying attention to them versus a dude (who treats you like shit...and you take care of him) you would be nip this in the bud.

-Don't offer me anything. You just wanna talk about it later.

-We were like sisters... But after that bullshit you pulled..it made me look at you in a WHOLE different light. I could never trust you again.

-Mind your business. You try to be down just to get gossip. You only "don't like" me because I don't co-sign your mess. But you're preying on my sister.

-You're not slow...just dizzy.

-I'm so disappointed in you. You're so talented and you're selling yourself short. I wish you only knew what you were doing. I've been there and done that.

-I can't put my finger on what it is..but I just know I don't like it.

-I'm proud of you.

-Thank you for believing in me and always supporting my ideas. What you did is supposed to be on-the-hush (ur line), but I already know...thank you.

-You talk a hell of a good game.

-Honestly...I'm actually scared to say certain things to you because I'm afraid of what you'll say to me. And more so...I'm afraid of what I might say back to you.

-Ummm..dude...we're cousins. Please stop trying to make me jealous bringing your bright-white, toothpick girlfriend up here. I don't envy her. YOU ARE MY COUSIN!!!

-I think I'm just convenient. That's it. Nothing more...nothing less....passing time.....just there...

-I don't think you understand the things I say to you. If you did...things would be different.

-So if I just dropped off the face of the Earth...would you care? If so, you should show it. If not, I already thought so.

Today

2009-08-24T16:01:00.004-04:00

So... I had some important stuff to do today. Started my day as normal...granola bar, fruit, iced chai tea...and I'm off. I went to the city as planned...and came back to Brooklyn.... starving. I stopped downtown...Court Street, actually. Got some chicken, rice, and salad from the Halal truck in front of Barnes & Noble. I decided to stroll....

Found myself under the Brooklyn Bridge. Its beautiful. A small park-like area with benches. I found an empty one and sat down. Took off my shoes and blazer...perched my big legs up on the bench and took in the breeze from the water.

I sat there for a minute...almost as if in a trance.. Food on my lap...sweat nowhere to be found...purse on the ground. I sat and sat...then it happened... Almost as if it were just waiting for me to give some kinda approval. Tears... not just any tears... like a floodgate opened. I couldn't stop. They stared trickling down my face slowly. Then they began to congregate in the creases of my neck as if there was a meeting I wasn't aware of. I didn't know what was going on...still don't.. but I cried like a baby. Hard....

Why do I feel this way? Why am I still carrying around these last fucking 40 lbs. like I owe them something? No one cares. What about when I need a place to swim? Where's my constant? What about when I'm not sure? No one ever hears me..Why did she not care enough about herself? She has 3 kids she left behind. I need my mother. My heart hurts. Why did he leave me alone to do this by myself? The cruelest thing ever... Why do they say one thing and mean another? Why do they all have to be mean and call it something else? Why did this fucking doctor have to tell me about those cells on my cervix last year? I didn't wanna know. She coulda kept that shit to her fucking self! Bitch! How come the minute I give a little thought to someone..they step all over it as if its not there? Why do I always have to come fucking second? Fuck that!! Why have I been alone for so long? Why do i always feel outta the loop? Feeling so hurt...can't even say why...

That's what I was thinking...the various thoughts that ran through my head. I don't why they came like that... but they left just as suddenly as they came. After a while, my face dried and I became preoccupied with the big bird that was flying a bit too close for my comfort. I looked down at my food that sat on my lap. Opened the carton and slowly ate. People-watched. Felt vulnerable. Wasn't sure if anyone saw me.

I felt a bit better.

Common Ground

2009-08-21T10:55:00.002-04:00

Today...I posted something on Twitter...and it got the tweets rolling. But when I said it..I was just talking and I didn't realize how deep it was until other began to recognize it.

Everyone's love has different parameters

Isn't this the truest thing ever?

Sometimes...people need to hear this. Singles complain about their other half "not getting them". There are often miscommunications of intent and expectations. This is where there must be open honesty. Not even so much with the other party, but even moreso with ourselves. Everyone's love has different parameters. People show how they feel in different ways. The small things to you may be a big step for someone else. They may be going through their own human revolution, trying to find and expand their life to include you in it.

And sometimes, people's affection has different languages. Some people like physical touch, some folks are a bit more vocal. For some its quality time. I knew someone who was like the latter. He just wanted to be in his girlfriend's presence...just her being in the house while he watches the game or something...he was good. I personally have a mixture...but I think I'm more vocal than anything. I communicate what I think and feel.

The key is to find someone who speaks your language. The word love is relative. One's love may not look the same as the next. So, we must find someone who looks similar to us...or someone who can respect the look and feel of our love.

Requests

2009-08-18T21:00:00.004-04:00

Not a poem...just venting..........

I want him to take his time with my body.
I want him to enjoy it and not want to stop.
I want him to crave me when he's done.
I want him to smell my anticipation and I damn sure want to smell his.
I want to fulfill something deep inside him.
When I leave, I want him to think about me and feel nervous about that next phone call.
I want him to find new ways to court me and get my attention.
I want my appeal to matter to him.
I want him to care.
I want to be his soft spot.
I want to be his refuge when he's had it up to here with everything else.
I want to leave an imprint on him.
I want to be someone he remembers, treasures even.
I want to fill the void that I think he's beginning to realize actually exists.
I want to hold him and let him know that its OK.
Its OK to miss someone.
I just don't want to take up space.
I want to be in his space because he wants no one else there.
I want him to be so open with me it almost scares him.
I'm wearing a glow.
I'm feeling it.
Too soon.....
Maybe....

Minutes of a Meeting

2009-08-11T18:51:00.003-04:00

just wanna sit with you...
stare and it not be awkward.
breathe in your company.
read your eyes.
think your thoughts.
ask how your day was.
watch you...be.
learn.
we can sip your favorite tea.
draw silly faces.
you'll be comfortable and safe.
i'ma tell you some secrets.
you won't judge.
we've known each other for longer than we actually know.
other things won't matter.
unspoken things will be mentioned.
some things we won't even have to say.
enjoying.
so intimate.
falling into place.
jokes.
smiles.
not planned.
more freedom than i've had in a while.
gratitude in my eyes.
dope.
so dope.
breathing new breath.
finishing each others sentences in our heads.
understanding.
just..... right.
basking in the moment at hand.
i'm not over-thinking.
sweet.
relaxed.
maybe i'll make a meal.
maybe we'll order out.
thoughts pour out.
some scrabble and wine.
i care more now than i did before.
bliss.
you look at me differently.
where have you been?
i've missed you.
maybe a kiss.
no pressure.
just long overdue.
maybe i'll just lay with you.
pick out stars.
rest a bit.
sit in comfortable silence.
let all of you seep into my pores.
you'll wear me like a quote on the tip of your tongue.
just.
be.
with.
you.

Untitled

2009-08-06T21:30:00.000-04:00

Time lost...wiggling around in uncomfortable skin
Missing a piece of my heart that I never had
Feeling caged in by selectively forgotten memories
Held captive by emotions subdued by time
Feeling as if the lonely nights are tenants now
They've become familiar like the paint on my walls
Bold in hue
The emptiness plays a drum roll for me
Asking me about my day
I'm living with absence and heartbreak
I'm co-existing with someone else's failure, making it my own
Proactive in defeat
Beaten up and downtrodden by disappointment
Bells ringing because I've lost the fight...so tired
Wondering if I have one more in me
Because this alone thing ain't cutting it

Reminder....THIS IS A REPOST!!!!!

2009-07-21T22:57:00.000-04:00

Someone said this was her favorite so I promised I would re-post it...For Gina

Its the center of an eye,
dark and unfavorable...
Engulfed by color, jealous, unable to resist.
The muddy waters that surround a Lotus flower.
The wretched smell of a loveless home.
Yelling "checkmate"...handing my slippers to me when I come in from work.
Its like the infidelity that sits on back porches,
lurking in family courts
with blinded adults and taunted children.
Its whooping and hollering in its Sunday Best, taking my spirit,
giving my eardrums a run for their money.
Its making a mockery of me.
Its a different kind of post-traumatic stress that reverberates throughout my existence.
Popping wheelies along twisted vines, choking the breath out of my lungs.
Thick as if I added cornstarch.
Textbook heavy.
I never win the war and I get vanquished in the battle.
Its stifling my heartbeat...
staining the fabric of my dream catcher.
Subduing the fight against these tears....
Oddly, its the only constant I have right now.
The only thing I can count on.
Your absence is more apparent than I want it to be.

2009-07-21T09:48:00.001-04:00

Video blog coming soon!!!

Reunion

2009-07-20T15:46:00.000-04:00

Not me or you
Simply and abstractly us
Loving the complexity of this feeling that I sang about in my shower
I had called out for you aching in fury
Looked for you on thrones, in flowers, at the bottom of oceans...in my own reflection
I put my feet in your good leather shoes...
Walked around....
In a trance...
Tracing your steps, sniffing the sheets you slept on.
Can't even begin to find the means to say....
Continuing right where we left off...this isn't awkward at all
We were never apart
You never left
You dwelled in the places I don't have the courage to mention
Telling old jokes followed by new smiles
Being safe in a smile that stretches across lifetimes
Cool like iced chamomile on tar beach
Sweet like peach flesh
I'd missed you for longer than I'm gonna say

Senses..blabbering again

2009-06-01T14:12:00.000-04:00

So.... I took a much needed vacation. Had some much needed fun. And now I'm back to reality.

I guess my time was so memorable because I haven't had a chance to just be me in such a long time. Being me...I always say that I am a different person now that I'm a mom. The person I was before still sits inside me...lurking. The Dominican Republic was all I needed. LOL... I did things I have never done before and experienced feelings that I thought I forgot. Just uninhibited fun.

As soon as I got on the plane to come home...I became vacation sick. I said that I needed just one more week. Another day even. I came home and dropped my bags. They sat there up until a few minutes ago...

Opening the bags let out a familiar fragrance...happiness. The smell of the sand, salt water, and tropical island brought me back to that place. Immediately I began to have flashbacks of my time there...and I began to miss it all over again. Its amazing how connected the senses are...what they can do to you. Just eating a certain kind of fruit can bring back the memory something grand...you know? I took my heavy bag, sat it on my lap and looked at the outfits I wore. I wrapped myself in them and took in their scent, trying to capture the moment when I wore it. What I did and who I was with. Gave me the shivers. I remembered the impenetrable smile that would never leave my face. I saw the salty swimsuits in my bag and could almost feel the sand in between my toes. I put one on...and am still wearing it. This is an escape...I wonder when I'll have the courage to take it off.

Getting up without an alarm clock, feeling sexy and free. Letting my thoughts wander as I lay on the beach without a single care in the world. Meeting people from all around the world who just wanted to let their hair down.

When I visited the discoteque, I saw women and men dancing...eyes closed. Thoughts ablaze. Just basking in the sensual moment they were in right then. I joined them... feeling my limbs twist and gyrate...as if one with the music. My partner felt my energy and his thoughts became mine. His hands knowingly explored my skin and took in the fragrance on my neck. Been so long..... There was no need to allow or prohibit. No words to be spoken. His energy picked up everything it should have. Our bodies swayed to the waves that crashed outside and sweat dripped to the beat of the music. I wondered was it the place that was so enchanting? If so, I might invest in timeshare...LOL.

No one understood what this trip meant to me. I plan on making this something regular....

Just Venting...

2009-04-28T22:07:00.000-04:00

-Yes...I have an attitude. Hence the silence. You pass me by and ignore me all the fucking time. Then u wanna call and act like everything is normal. Well, it's not. You forget what you say, but I don't. Then you have this yeah I said it attitude...but I realize that I've been WWAAYYYY too nice to you. I never let you see the virgo in me because I thought it would turn you off. But I think you need a dose of your own medicine. Yeah, you'll act like it doesn't bother you, but in ur heart of hearts, you know you have issues that you need to address. Stop acting like you don't care just to turn the attention from you. And learn to say sorry.

-I'm honing my skills, fnally. And I don't need any negative energy in my circle. You complain way too much.

-My son is so smart that it's beginning to scare me.

-Most men are full of shit. Even if they don't know it.

-I wanna put my black and white pix back up...I have to redo my living room.

-I don't discuss things with you because you offer things and talk about all you do later. I've busted you taking hella credit for doing something for someone that they couldv'r done without you. Then you make it seem as if you were the all to end all in the situation...PULEEEEZE. That's why I never accept your nice gestures. I'm not sorry either.

-It's been a while and you haven't found a job. I understand it's hard out there, but you're not even looking. At all. Everytime I call you, you're home. The you wanna be around me...DON'T THINK SO...You have kids. Stop being a fucking statistic.

-I'm sorry you think I'm mean, but I love you too much to let you fall by the wayside. Mommy wouldn't hear of it.

-My writing block is over...so there's some new stuff coming...I know I've been saying it for a while...don't kill me.

-I know ur going thru a rough patch, and I wanna help...talk to me anytime.

-I am officially on twitter and have been enjoying myself.

Soooo everyone out there in the blogosphere...I'm back!!!!
I'm going on vacation for Memorial Day weekend....this makes vaca #2. And I'm trying to plan something for my birthday...wanna go to Puerto Rico...

Ok ttyl

Untitled so far ....

2009-03-30T13:12:00.000-04:00

I know I'ma add onto this at some point....

I'm trying to make sense of this familiar emotion
I'ma let it engulf my thoughts and questions, hold on for dear life.
I miss this feeling, this escape, this flutter, the confusion, the signals, a smile that could take me anytime.
My only regret is that none of my sonnets, phrases, breaths, or anything else I create
Could even begin to sound like your HELLO...
Too much to digest all at once
I have to dissect you, take you in doses like an elixir.
You're so beautiful.
I thought of you more than I should have
While you were actively forgetting me.
So unexpectedly...
Almost as if I'm smelling sunlight and tanning in perfume.
I am thinking of you.
Sweet and mysterious with distance kept and a guard hired.
I wonder if my skin is strong enough.
Can it withstand the purity of your honesty...
or the clarity of another teardrop?

Thank You Revolutionaries

2009-03-12T03:02:00.001-04:00

Getting deep at ur own risk. Just wanted to get some stuff out.

It makes me so sad and so angry. There was a was waged on blacks and I believe we're still fighting it. No unification for us.... From Garvey to King to X to Newton...lives have been lost in order to secure some level of common decency. Imagine being young and black in the sixties. Things aren't hard now. Playing Russian Roulette with your life on the way to get milk for breakfast the next day. Or have the billy clubs been replaced with crack pipes and self hate? Screaming and no one can hear. No one cares...calling us niggers...but now that's what we fancy ourselves to be. That's what we call ourselves...and defend it.

Full pursuit for our comfort and human rights. HUMAN RIGHTS...at one point, someone actually had to stand up and ask for...DEMAND... for us to be treated as humans. We take advantage of their life struggle. We slander their life condition and what they stood for. Leaving our women to raise children alone, calling women bitches and hoes...measuring your manhood on the number of women you bed, attacking men for how much money they make (or don't make). Damned if you do...damned if you don't.

The white man took some from Africa and have led a legacy of self hate and aggravation among us. We can't even compliment each other anymore. Don't even like the kink in our hair. They told us that we weren't beautiful and we believed them. We act ugly. Buying luxury cars...divas...and ballers.... and there are people in this country who can't even buy a fucking loaf of bread or get on the bus to go to a doctor's appointment. The African slave trade has done a mighty number on Black Americans. And what kills it is that most don't even see it. Content for mediocrity. I thought we were worth so much more than that. Black leaders haven't died so we could just get by. I'm so much better than that. We come from a legacy of kings and queens. King said it. Malcolm said it.

What would they say now. Would they be proud of us?

The gov't pumped drugs onto our streets and we crumbled like old cookie dough. Children growing up with no parents...left to lead dysfunctional lives and children with twisted morals on what things should be. No one knows their history so they cannot be appreciative. Seeing ex addicts...tears to my eyes. The hurt of broken promises and the need for an escape. They knew what they were doing. Its a vicious cycle that we're still participating in. The question is: Are we in too deep. Was there a number done on us that we just can't shake? Or can we rise with knowledge and self-worth? I honestly don't know the answer. I can only speak for myself. I'm not as courageous as those who stood before me because I find myself giving up on ignorance...ignorance from my own people.

Thank You Revolutionaries.... I will always owe you a debt of gratitude...so do many others.

Many Thanx!!

2009-03-01T11:10:00.000-05:00

My son's birthday was on Friday and I had a party for him yesterday....so, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off...
I must say that he had a BLAST!!!! I'm so grateful for the people who showed up. All the more than generous gifts he received and the help I got as well. It just got me to thinking....
Sometimes, people are dealt a less than fortunate hand in life and end up with a shitty family...I'm one of them. My family is so deeply jaded and entrenched in the mistakes that were made by the last generation and the ones before....they can't even reach out. I said that when I have children, I want my kid to have the strong family network that I didn't have. But I have come to realize that family is what you make it. Whether its my bestest best friend who I've known since 5th grade, or the fairy godmother who actually kept her promise and tried to best to look out for you when both your parents went on to glory. It could even be the neighbor who you've found a good friendship with over the last 2 years...who's ALWAYS willing to help since she knows you're not gonna ask her. I'm so grateful.... Even though its not a cousin, aunt, or uncle, I'm so grateful for the people who showed their heads at a point when I thought NO ONE would support. I'm a single mom for the rest of the year, but for this one occasion, I had the biggest family ever...or should I say my son did... Either way, I'm happy I had help yesterday.

Rambling...

2009-02-08T12:55:00.000-05:00

- I've been travelling a bit lately and I like it. I'm starting to feel like my old self.
- I absolutely hate when people speak indirectly or have issues speaking up. It makes me feel as if I have to pull teeth. I'm not scary... just say it...
- I'm really turning into a decorator now. I'm trying to stretch out my creativity.
- MY BABY BROTHER IS GOING TO COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My brother got accepted to John Jay, SUNY Delhi, and some other school in the south. He says he wants to go to Delhi!!!! Its a party school, but I think he'll be fine. Nothing is without its bumps in the road. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO happy for him. Its been uber stressful for both of us over the past few years. No one said we could do it. In the midst of it all, when everyone deserted us, we prevailed. I'm so happy for him. This has inspired me to do more with my education. I can and I will. Thanks Aaron!!!!!
- I like giving advice. But I've found that people ask for advice when they already have something in mind.
- I understand you're supposed to be nice, but my patience wears thin easily. For a long time, I've been made to feel bad about this, but I've come to realize that its OK. Some things tick me off and that's OK. Its how I handle these situations that make all the difference. Some things need to be nipped in the bud. I do the nippin' 'round these parts....not a problem.
- I'm cooking new things and trying out different flavors... yeah!!!!

Confessions of a Side-Piece...(title edited)

2009-01-11T16:52:00.000-05:00

Am I a secret?
Do you mention me when it matters most?
Does my kiss stay with you when time forbids our union?
I wonder if I'm stuck in the embrace of a lie or if I'm kept safe with secrets shared on a pillow.
Is my heart coveted in whispers
or is my name carved on the steps to your front door?
Ringing loud and clear?
Reigning omnipresent?
Murmurs in night shadows?
Taboo thoughts?
Are you wearing my smile on your lips?
Does it hold office in dismissed emotion to be unnoticed or untouched like fine China?
Do you make mockery of my favorable person among jesters in my absence?
Would you give my feeling occasion when your whereabouts are vague?
Am I to dwell in ambiguity?
You haven't called?
Am I not enough?

Date Night

2009-01-08T11:35:00.000-05:00

I wrote this after thinking about a bad date a few months ago. Nothing happened, but I got a little imaginative.

I stare at you with a closed eye
While we secretly anticipate the moments.
I try to will myself out of a mistake.
I don't want to be here.... with you.
I don't know you....no chemistry...I'm going with a "flow" that isn't there.
You kiss my shoulder
And whisper your intentions in my ear.
I hear another song...another voice.
We engage and I push the regret to another room to sit with my loneliness.
Visions of another love emblazon my mind.
He crept in my dreams and danced with me while I was with you.
I don't make the time to feel sorry.
I don't allow the chance to come clean.
I'm too occupied with his face to look at yours.
I miss him more than I want to admit.
I robbed him of his fire when I walked in here.
I don't like you.
He doesn't love me.
I play myself and I know it.
But my mind gets cleansed with his face.
When we touch, the components of the "we" change.
They have to or else I can't do it.
A part of me is sorry,
And the other part is sipping a tropical drink.
I am with you and I escape to a lost moment.
Watching a movie under my eyelids.
I found it tucked under a pouted lip when you asked me out.
My dreams make him a whore.
I feel silly and out of place.
I know where I belong.
This first time with you is was a second, third and fourth with him.
You won't get that luxury.
I'm leaving before you notice.
It's not you...it's me.
I'm not calling you later or ever.
I'll be too busy waiting for his call.

Yusef

2009-01-04T11:07:00.000-05:00

I don't really post about my son or my career. Someone pulled my card about that recently. I just figured that my blog should be about whatever I want it to be. I should post about whatever I want to. And my son isn't the topic of my adult thought. But I decided that he does open up a different side of me. He reflects change, expansion, and progress. I never thought I could be a mother. Doubt myself all the time. I'm entirely too selfish. But everynow and then, I think to myself. I realize that he's still standing. He eats normal kids his age under the table and still weighs 3-5 lbs. less than they do. And he's smarter than some of the adults I know. But one thing I know... I'm not sure who taught this kid the stuff he knows, but if he tells me to go to the kitchen one more time, I'ma sell him on eBay.

So here's my son, Yusef.

He loves Elmo. It was kinda inevitable. I think he thinks Elmo is his kid brother. He's always feeding him and putting him to bed.

Yeah, he thinks he's all that. If you tell him he's cute, he doesn't say thank you. He bats his eyes like Bettey Boop.
A shame....

We play sometimes....

And we stare each other down....

And he plays music....whether I like it or not

So that's him....

Secondary Love

2008-12-29T11:23:00.000-05:00

I stood in the dark and waited.
My eyes turned blue with anticipation
that knew its length of stay.
It chuckled at me, but I didn't hear.
I set up a kingdom in my cove
with the law set by the beat of my heart.
The city walls were impenetrable
and bound by the steadfastness of my admiration
The furies sat on my shoulder and sang a song.
They played chords of agony and regret, noted neglected and betrayed.
I wasn't paying attention.

I stood in the dark and waited,
Reflecting on the spaces you filled,
new heights reached... lying dormant in the mouth of absence.
My heart grew fonder by the minute.
I was for you and you for me.
The night wasn't cold in my kingdom
Because my bed whispered trails of your scent.
I basked in them... I knew you would come.

I stood in the dark and waited.
Joy crept up when I heard your footsteps.
My shoulders felt warm when I heard you dancing.
But the walls of my kingdom crumbled when you were dancing with someone else.

Finally, my ears were wide open. I'm not waiting.

Black Serenade

2008-12-15T13:30:00.001-05:00

I'm throwing away my IPod.
These tracks understand my fears all too well...
Alarming...
Don't wanna be reminded of a love that doesn't whisper my name in the night.
Don't wanna moisten a new pillow with old tears.
Listening to a future me, pissed at my mistakes.
Too smart for that.
I'm listening to these wretched love songs
Waiting for comfort hidden in the break of a note,
or a kiss that fills my dreams, torturing me.
Listening to lives that aren't mine,
Re-enacting them under my eyelids when sleep subdues me.
I'm jumping into an empty bed with a phantom.
Getting fucked by my hang-ups,
I sleep with them and make tea when its early.
Waking up alone....
I'm not ready to face the void that awaits in my reality.
Comfort in cowardice...
Never present
Always dismissed into a warped compartment of my heart
Serenaded by Track # 10.

Just Rambling Again....

2008-12-14T10:31:00.001-05:00

I HATE liars!!!! It's the one thing that I think seeps under my skin and rots like old cabbage. (yeah, it's like that). I'm a pretty "put-it-out-there" type of person, so when someone tries to involve me in their bullshit or pull the wool over my head... it pisses me off. It's not even the lie itself. It's the insult on my intelligence, because believe it or not, I can usually (I'm not perfect) smell these types of things a mile away. YUCK!!! It's so corny!!!

My son is becoming so much more expressive. This is supposed to be the "Terrible 2" stage, but to be completely honest, I like this a bit better. He's becoming more independent. He helps me put things away and loves to tell me what he thinks about something even if I don't understand what he's saying. I finally feel as if I can do this without feeling defeated all the time. Don't get me wrong... I still have the "this isn't me" feeling with this "mommy" thing.... it's just getting better. Baby steps.......

I'm tired a lot. I think I need iron.

My last roll in hay was more than 6 months ago. And self -gratification isn't my thing. I'm fine with it. My sister refuses to believe me. Am I naive? Why is it so hard to believe that someone is not gallivanting out on the town with a Tom, Dick, or Taiquan just because she's single? Is this day and age so sex-crazed that we can't go a bit of time without spreading eagle. A nice date is great, but you don't have to sleep with the person. Or do you? I will say this... I went on a date a few weeks ago and was drastically disappointed. I wasn't attracted to him. He wasn't ugly, but he just didn't do it for me. He tried to put his hand on my knee twice. People who know me could only imagine my facial expression. He talked about sex WAY too much. Mind you, this is the FIRST date. And he made a stink when I wouldn't hold his hand. And he was frontin'. (this is why I say that I'm not the "dating" type) My assumption is that dudes feel that they have to put on some kind of front for women. Even when the call themselves "keeping it real", it's actually not. Trust me... I can tell. When a dude is being 100% with me, its uber reassuring. That builds an attraction...well for me at least.

Things are starting to take off with my catering company. I'm happy as hell with that. There's plenty of work that needs to be done, but I'm off to a pretty good start if I say so myself.

To someone more special than he wants to be.....all I need is one hour.... LOL!!!!!

Almost forgot....
I love blogging. It's become a way for me to vent ALL my shit out. I don't mind who reads and I absolutely welcome feedback. I am proud of the connection that has come about with other bloggers, especially my sis from Mich!!! LOL... But there are a few things I didn't sign up for...
I don't like feeling as if I have to defend anything I post. If I post it, then so what. Its how I felt. I usually don't give out my blog URL to personal acquaintances. My fam doesn't even know I blog. Its not a secret to hide. I just haven't announced it at the dinner table. Besides, this is my place of solace. This is where I can be at peace with my day. This is where I can have a feeling and stand by it without someone calling me crazy as they normally do. I'm not always the bad guy here. So, if I choose to mention someone on my blog, its because they remotely mean something to me. Whether its bad or good, I chose to shout them out. I dare someone to be presumptuous enough to approach me about being mentioned on my blog if their name isn't even there. And its no one's business who I talk about. Hmphhh... And if I am talking about someone...so. the. fuck. what!!! Its my blog!!!
What a lack of character for it to be even mentioned to me...even in jest.
There's plenty more to say about this, but I'll leave it at that.

So for now....keep the spice up in your life!!! I know I will... I'ma get my hour of SPICE!!!! LOL

Filling Holes

2008-12-13T14:32:00.000-05:00

Bridging the gap
Answers to questions I didn't know I had
I'm so grateful.
I wasn't sure I could do it, but I'm doing it better than most.
Everyone knew it couldn't be done, but they won't write it the congratulatory cards.
I'm too fierce.
I'm finally proud of myself.
Sitting in the dew of a whole bunch of NO's
I exemplify a yes that's possible, even when I never thought it was.
Finding out more than I need to know...
Filling holes I didn't know existed
Uncovering the ones I wanted to hide
Almost embarrassed of my growth.... LOL

I'm Back!!!!

2008-11-15T17:57:00.000-05:00

So much....to say......

But I will....soon!!!!!

Hey Muze and Xoxo.....

Untitled

2008-10-17T08:54:00.000-04:00

This yearn is so exact and never failing,
Omnipotent in its reign.
I'm painting you with an immeasurable amount of color
But still can't get the hue of your face.
At night, you become my sleep aid.
During the day, you give shape to my purpose that I couldn't see.
I'm still not sure of how you look.
A love that doesn't exist in my everyday...
Words missing from my vernacular...
Missing an incomplete thought...
Dangling in amazement by the scent that lingers on my sheets.
When you come, I'll build you a fortress.
The valiance of my anticipation will build one for me.
You'll figure that everything before was just preparation for this.
My mistakes will be perfected into bouts of romance.
You'll know I love you.
It'll be forever...

Dreaming Craziness

2008-10-03T09:18:00.000-04:00

OK... so after my nightly ritual, the VP debate, and finally catching We Own the Night and No Country For Old Men (yea, I was up pretty late last night), my big eyes finally closed and I slept like a baby. But I had one of the most craziest dreams ever and I just HAD to share.

I need feedback, but not everyone knows the full situation, but.... OH WELL........

So, I was invited to a wedding. Not just any wedding, but his wedding. Of course I was reluctant to go. I decided I would go, but apparently I waited too long to send in my RSVP.

He called me.

I didn't wanna hear his voice. He didn't know exactly what he could make me do with it. Then again, I think he did.

me: Hey, stranger!??
Him: Whatever... did you get what I sent you?
me: What?.... Oh yeah, I got it. Congratulations.
Him: Yeah, thanks. So you comin'.
me: If you let me...
Him: I am that's why I sent the invitation. (laughing, obviously ignoring the banter, asshole)
me: Of course, I'm coming. Why wouldn't I?
Him: Oh, alright. Just checking. Well I'ma take this as your RSVP. I'll see you there.
CLICK!!!

I don't remember the wedding, but I remember being at the reception. It was the first time I ever saw his "significant other". Yuck...You could tell she was a very warm person and she loved him, but she wasn't a looker and she was like 10 lbs. heavier than me. Great, now the reason all the answers to my questions have a heartbeat. *SIGH* In the dream I was like 20 lbs. lighter than I am now. Yay!! And you know I had to come to this event CORRECT!!! I noticed him staring at me during the reception. Didn't know what was behind the eyes. I never do. We hadn't seen each other in a while. I just wanted to talk to him. Not about anything mushy, but just talk to him about something...anything. Like it used to be. I was there alone and I left alone. He didn't even come over and say thanks for coming. But at the same time, he wasn't acting all smitten with his new wife. Hmmmm. I just realized that.

Then, the dream morphed into something else. I remember he came to my house with one of his friends. Why???.... I couldn't even begin to tell you. Dreams are weird. He said my apt. was cozy and he liked it. I could tell he felt comfortable. Something about his demeanor. He started complimeting me on my taste, my vinyl records, old black and white pics...the way I decorated. Then, a weird look came across his face and he just stared at me. I knew what he was thinking. Seeing me in my own element gave me a different face. A face that at one point he wanted to see.
Next we were in his car. I sat in the back seat with his son. This man has no children and his car has absolutely no back seat. I don't know what the hell I was doing there or where we were going, but there I was in dreamland. He kept telling his son about the candy, but he snuck it in his mouth anyway. We hit a bump and I guess the morsel went down the wrong pipe or something. The boy started coughing and gagging. From the driver's seat, I could see sheer terror, but we were on the Belt Parkway doing way above the speed limit and pulling over wasn't an option. So, being a mom (my son was nowhere in this dream), I just put the kid at a 45-degree angle (so cavalier... like a mommy-expert) and banged on his back until the damn candy shot out. But first, the kid had to throw up on my hand. Ill... But I wasn't upset in the dream... I was cool about it. We drove to a hotel (I don't know why) to clean up and get some rest. I could tell that the little one's incident still startled him. We checked in, put the kid to sleep, and just stood at the table. He came over and asked me for a hug. ASKED ME FOR A HUG??? Now you know I was dreaming. Some people just don't do certain things. Its not that they don't want to. They just don't go about them like that. That man hugged me so tight, I could hear the blood calmly travel through his veins. I could hear the organs in his body operate, checking each other. At that point I didn't care why he did it. I just breathed in his scent. No cologne... just his skin. He looked down at me and said, "Thank You". So tender and real. I didn't reply. I didn't need to. We just stayed like that for a while.

That's all I remember.

Ok... So why did I dream about him? No, I wasn't thinking about him before I went to sleep. Maybe on a deeper level, was I? Nawwwww.....
I must admit that on another level, I thought that one moment he'd wake up and smell the coffee. I read too much into things that may not be signals at all. But maybe they could be...
Was I fooling myself? Is this dream wishful thinking of my inner self... or a bad omen... or just a dream?

I get caught in between a stare that lasted too long
and a heart that doesn't
say my name.

On The Brink
Hmmmm???? Maybe I shouldn't even entertain it? I dunno......

Reminder

2008-10-01T09:08:00.000-04:00

Its the center of an eye,

dark and unfavorable...

Engulfed by color, jealous, unable to resist.

The muddy waters that surround a Lotus flower.

The wretched smell of a loveless home.

Yelling "checkmate"...handing my slippers to me when I come in from work.

Its like the infidelity that sits on back porches,

lurking in family courts

with blinded adults and taunted children.

Its whooping and hollering in its Sunday Best, taking my spirit,

giving my eardrums a run for their money.

Its making a mockery of me.

Its a different kind of post-traumatic stress that reverberates throughout my existence.

Popping wheelies along twisted vines, choking the breath out of my lungs.

Thick as if I added cornstarch.

Textbook heavy.

I never win the war and I get vanquished in the battle.

Its stifling my heartbeat...

staining the fabric of my dream catcher.

Subduing the fight against these tears....

Oddly, its the only constant I have right now.

The only thing I can count on.

Your absence is more apparent than I want it to be.

Throw In The Towel

2008-09-18T12:25:00.000-04:00

No matter what I say, you're never gonna understand.
So caught up in blame, refusing to see your guilt.
Maybe you're incapable of it.
I could chant my truth 'till I'm blue in the face
show and prove my worth,
But it will not be enough. You ain't budging.
Your way or the highway? Well, I'm packing up for a new tomorrow.
You're not as cute as you used to be
The view distorts as often as you tear me down to the white meat.
Even when you tell the truth,
you're still lying.
Truth is relative...
Your observation isn't mine.
You're not as together as you think you are.

You're as unavailable as an icicle in the shade of the Sahara.
The distance is as loud as the thumping between my legs.
I think you're deaf while I watch you wear headphones.

You create this struggle for the hopefuls.
When they stop climbing, you reason it with them "not really wanting it anyway"
How sad... luring 'em in with a feast
Then holding these hungry souls arm-distance away.
You're mean.

You wear me out like tennis shoes...
I'm so tired of trying to win you
I know now that I was defeated from the start.

I never had a chance... those don't come with the package.

You just didn't tell me.

You're so unavailable.....

You say you're looking for me, but you're shut virgin tight.

Your sorrow and unaddressed emotions are taking the place of anything that could ever be.

So what would be ideal?

You say you want love,

but you want a punching bag....

It ends up being a contest among those who can take the most hits.

The ref is counting me out.

He's past one and I'm not getting up.

On your advertisement, I thought I read gentle...

You wrote that?

You were being honest...

But truth is relative... your observation may not be mine.

I can't do this anymore.

I wish you could see

It's not them... it's so you.

Secret

2008-09-08T08:43:00.000-04:00

I've been keeping a secret for a while and its not eating me up, but I find myself about to spill on certain occasions. You know when you're talking to someone about something as if they already know what's going on...meanwhile, their face has "????" all over it. I'm not lying about anything...just not telling. But then again, who is there to tell?

Well, I'm only going to say it once. I have cancer. I've been undergoing lite treatment. At first, it was a weird lump on my side, then it was 3. Then other things didn't add up and now its morphed into something I've haven't had a minute to process. Its a silly long name that I don't even wanna give character to right now (if you don't mind), but its curable before it spreads. Once it gets out of control...

I'm not sure how I feel about anything. I'm not sad about it. I'm in slight pain at times, but I caught it early. I have a certain way about me that's confusing to most. When things happen, it doesn't really hit me at first. It takes a minute to set in. I'm fully aware of what's going on. I just kinda deal with it in my own way. I've been told that I put my emotions on the back burner until I'm ready. Maybe its true.

I don't really have an opinion. Not yet. Maybe this will be the only thing I'll ever write about it. I'm not sure yet. But then again, when am I ever?

Woman of Many Hats

2008-09-05T10:01:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I forget the things I've done. In the short time I've been here, I've done so much that most don't ever get to do. I've travelled to foreign countries, eaten foods that cost some people's monthly salary, performed in independent plays, modeled in a fashion show at 16 for a Latin designer in South America, lived on my own since 17, etc. It's crazy seeing the life you lead through other people's eyes.
I was on the bus today and immediately I caught eye contact with a young woman getting on. We just stared that familiar "I think I know you, but I'm not exactly sure where from" stare. I suppose it clicked to her first when I saw her rushing over to me with a look of sheer fortune on her face. Then I realized who she was...someone who lived on the same block I grew up on. But I still couldn't figure out why she was so happy to see me. She looked like she hit the number.
So at a mile-a-minute, she asks me how I've been, compliments my son on how cute he is, tells me that I'm still "different", touches my new haircut (apparently, people I haven't seen in years are talking about my new do. How they found out is beyond me.), and begins to tell me what she's been doing since the last time I saw her. I nodded, actually interested. Then she says,"I'm sure you're performing somewhere by now. Wait... you're still singing, right?" Girl....Sounds Greek to me. The "What?" look on my face gave her an unfortunate answer. She stared at me as if the more she looked into my eyes, she would eventually convince me. She didn't want to believe she was talking to a stranger. She then started to reminisce about the times we used to fiddle with the piano, taught ourselves to sight-sing with sheet music. We did plays, danced anywhere we could, participated in non-profit rallies, auditioned for LaGuardia High School (the top HS in NY for performing arts) just to turn them down when we got in. I would cook for her and she would get the sheet music to the latest R&B song and we would remix it just for kicks. She even remembered the time I convinced her to sneak into Lincoln Center with me to watch a German Chamber Chorus perform Mozart's Requiem in D because I was singing the same thing with my chamber chorus. Yea, I was crazy. That was before the cigarettes (I kicked the habit, YEA!!!!) and before everything got so complicated.... Anyway.....
When I got to my stop, we exchanged numbers.... This just got me to thinking myself.
I forgot the person she remembered so vividly. For a minute, I sat to listen because this person was so interesting. I used to be in everything... doing all sorts of stuff. And I was GOOD. I had my own way and I loved it. Its so funny how it took someone else to show me how much I've changed.
How could I forget who I was? I was the shit. I'm still cool, just in a different way.
So now, I'm going full steam ahead... I have a friend who's dying to get me into his studio. He does vocal lessons as well; says I should venture out and channel my energy somewhere besides my blog. LOL. Asshole. I have some stuff that I've written and sooooo many ideas. Now, I'm gonna start my lessons and I'm gonna record something. I know for a fact that I sound different. I'll put the music on my blog so I can get some real critique. I ain't trying to be a star... this is purely a hobby.
Its so weird that some one's memories could conjure up a whole human revolution inside someone else. So thanx to Roxie for waking up something special inside me!!!!

A Day for Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-03T09:48:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIANCA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trapped

2008-08-27T09:25:00.000-04:00

Tides shifted and tears dried
While I sat picking up the pieces.
This is so dangerous.
I just want to understand something that's intelligible.
Now I'm forced to re-evaluate my own sanity.
These walls are unfamiliar and cruel.
It stinks in here...
So played out.
The contrast between what was and what actually is has taken my mind for a joyride.
It hasn't returned... I declared my mind lost a long time ago.
It's getting so tight
I can smell the person right outside...
Taunting me.
This box is cold and dry with not an ounce of mercy.

On The Brink

2008-08-18T11:50:00.000-04:00

Not yes and not no
Free and still kept
I'm not exactly sure yet...
Think I'm in love but there's no one there
I have to stop falling for invisible souls.
When they're tangible, the heartbreak becomes that much more real.
This disappointment shapes itself out.
I put an ugly face to a beautiful thing.
I'm on my tippy-toes reaching
with anvils at my heels.
Some look from afar and assume I'm stretching my life across a plain.
Don't they know I'm on the brink?
I enjoyed a sunset once.
I tasted that night air and it licked me back like I were covered in pineapples.
I was in rapture until I woke up..upside down.
I'll mold that night into something definite
Until I can own up to my reality.
I get caught in between a stare that lasted too long and a heart that doesn't say my name.
He told me of words
I thought it would be a love letter, professing things hidden
But it was so random I wanted to forget the words I read as I read them.
I bit my lip for getting so excited.
I'm so selfish.
I'm so caught in between everything.
In the thick of a gray area I swore never existed.
Not yes and not no.
Free and still kept.
An invisible man torments me with his loud and abrasive absence.
I'm always on the brink.
But its not my fault... and not yours either.

He's All That

2008-08-17T12:06:00.000-04:00

He knows who he is. He'll act as if he doesn't. Might brush it off (which will probably be the case). But at the end of it all, he knows where I stand, even if he'll never admit it to me. Not a dedication, but he was definitely on my mind.

I thought I saw colors and smelled lillies
Until his smile was the only thing shining back at me.
It was one of those things that make people believe in God;
those things that little girls write about in tattered journals and pink diaries,
later to talk about in vows.
He epitomized lipstick and perfume for women and discreet envy for men,
but for me, he's more...
They said he moved,
but I saw him glide
and I sat in the shade of his brow as his stride destroyed concentration.

I caressed the ego I put in place
and let him say what he wanted to,
because I sat on the words that he dangled in front of me.
I opened my mouth to taste them.
They reminded me of the cinnamon in peach cobbler.
Delicate like evaporated milk...
They satisfied my hunger and I feasted on them for weeks.
I waited for a breath from time to time just to smell what gave shape to his mouth.
I wondered how it tasted...
how it would feel sitting under the goosebumps on my neck if he happened to get too close.
He talked about memories and he talked about me.
His humility permeated though my hair
so I carved his face out on the stone that was my adoration for him.

I thought I heard harps and tasted sunbursts
but it was him sitting on a throne sipping on wine that he called my ecstasy.
My vision became infused with the wish of the present
and I woke up only to see you next to me.

Nightly Ritual

2008-08-06T15:59:00.000-04:00

They'll tell you that you're sooooo pretty, but you may not be the cup of tea that's in. Ain't that some shit??? LOL
So, I catch my breath, sing a note in my shower, and lay down in my bed. Alone. No one calls. When I get home, there are no messages waiting for me and the phone doesn't ring all night. At all. I don't dial just to hear how busy someone is and how much they plan on calling me back in 5 minutes. I've simply stopped calling months ago. The other side of my bed is cold and even when I try to roll over to that distant cove, it feels weird... as if I shouldn't be there. Like its taboo and any minute, I'm gonna get caught doing some bedroom no-no like hogging the covers. There's no one to complain about me leaving them cold or on the edge of the bed. No one is thinking of me now. They think Green doesn't need some "in-between time". My island gets smaller and smaller. I get bitter in my own way. I sing sad songs with smiles. The melodies make love in my head. They comfort me in my solidarity. I take my time. I actually feel jealous of the chemistry.
I have feelings, too. I'm communicating in compromise. I can't pretend.
I want it to get late and I ask him to stay. The "yes" is gonna sit in the marrow of my bones for a minute. He may not even come inside my lair. We may just talk and say the things we've been wanting to say. I might hold him too tight just to make sure he's there when I wake up. He may hold me tight and say sorry. I'll be too scared to ask him to squeeze a bit more. I don't know. I'm not exactly sure. I'm not planning.
I just know that these tears are coming too frequently and it's cramping my style.
No one understands. They never do. It gets deep. Too deep for me to share.

It's getting late again.

Muzical Fiction, or is it.....

2008-07-28T15:04:00.000-04:00

He made me understand that it wasn’t all about the end result. Go figure.
That “raw emotion” held me captive for a sky-high ransom, but I didn’t mind. It got me every time.

It may have been my shoulder for him. But I saw HIS touch, smile, jeans, heart, and dry humor for me. Maybe its that look he gets on his face when he’s talking about something that excites him. It could be those moments when I feel so free and beautiful and my body gets loose and tense all at the same time. Those moments where you look into each other’s eyes and through all the commotion two bodies are creating, there’s a stillness. You just might be able to hear jasmine being picked in the distance. Both sets of pupils engage in a courting ritual. Our bodies are so in sync at this moment, I see him breathing for me, because I damn sure can’t.

I'm so ready to love.

I'm Whispering LOVE For Once

2008-07-15T15:01:00.000-04:00

I don't expect a reaction, let alone reciprocity. I want to tell you some things that I've been meaning to say. There's so much. In my head, I planned it a certain way...but it hasn't worked out in my favor thus far.
So, this is my idle attempt to not plan. This is how I try to be like you...fearless, brave even.
I want to tell you that I'm in love with you. I understand that you may not feel the same way. And that's OK. I'm just not waiting for "right" time to tell you. I'm telling you that I'm in love no matter what you may think of me. I don't want to step on your toes, or put you in a weird position. But that doesn't even matter right now. I think about you all the time. I don't call because I may wanna talk for more than you have time for. I don't call because I don't want to hear about someone else who may be occupying your time. I don't want to make you uncomfortable.
I am stepping out of my comfort zone.
I'm selfish as hell.
I don't like rejection.
You have a crude mouth... that I'm in love with.
I'm shy, too.
This type of stuff makes me wanna jump outta my skin.
I feel like I'm cheating you because I don't have the courage to say it to your face.
You might not even care. I'm not ready to hear that.
You said the world would be a better place if people stopped sitting on what they thought and just spit the shit out the way they wanted to say it. This is my feeble advance at going "green".
I heart u.

The Mother in Me

2008-07-09T16:51:00.000-04:00

For me, the hardest thing I have ever had to do was be a mother. Not just be a mother, but dedicate my life to the welfare of another human being who cannot fight for himself. I have to be his warrior and his protector. I'm always learning. New layers form and I see the depth of who I am... a person I didn't know I could be. I am different now. I thought I knew what sacrifice was, but now it has become so clear to me. Before my son, I lived so carelessly... I travelled with nothing, spent money like I was a 2nd generation Rockerfeller, and did any and everything I wanted. I have to learn to stop living in the past. The fact of the matter is that Yusef is here now. I am a different person now.
Now is a time when I need so much direction. I need a hug and someone to tell me I'm doing a good job. I need comfort. I'm so tired. TIRED. I'm lonely and I divulge myself in trying. Trying to do what? I'm not sure. All my steps feel like trudging. Everything feels difficult... like I'm stuck in quicksand all the time. I can't get out and I have a load on my back. He can't swim. I have no training. I miss love. I need my mother in the worst way. The "watching over you" speech isn't working right now. This isn't about me. It's about someone who hasn't learned to tell me if his food is too warm or his blanket isn't tight enough. Its about someone who can't tell me if I'm fucking up or not.
I'm still a woman with needs. So how do I let someone new in? How would I let him in to my biggest insecurities and still look him in the eye. How do I know that he would even be looking at me the same way he did before? How could I say that I'm so upset with myself for my mishaps as a mom let alone even becoming one. Where would I find the words to tell him about my fear of being "one of those who fell by the wayside"? How do I say that this life that I'm living isn't my own, but someone else's? Sounds crazy and shallow... but honest. I'm always trying.
I want to be the best I mom I can be, but I always ask myself about the possibilities of that happening. I'm not sure. Actually, I'm never sure. I'm tired, fed up, hungry, and at my limit more times than enjoying the babbling of my 1 yr. old. I feel so alone and closed. Hurting...

They say it'll get better. When?

Funk

2008-07-04T23:15:00.000-04:00

When it rains, it's really a hailstorm on my side of town. But I've got an umbrella.

Aftermath

2008-07-02T11:11:00.001-04:00

This is way too public for me... I know this. But its all about expanding ourselves, right?...

So, there's nothing else to say? Or nothing else you would like to hear? There's still so much I have to say. Every moment counts. They do to me.
There's nothing like a fire that has to let itself burn everything around it for it to find the peace to die. This fire would burn for a what would seem like a century to me and leave embers that would cover a city. I would have to sweep them up. And you wouldn't help me. You don't see why you should have to.
Honestly, I don't understand the depth of this feeling. I haven't figured out why I'm so stirred. But I am. Something was taken away from me. At a time when I didn't want to lose anything else. When I thought all was safe...
But I still love,hope, care, feel, think, wonder, laugh, smile, joke, write.......unconditionally... without limits or boundaries... no matter what.....
Its amazing the things that one can post but can't seem to find the courage to say in front of one person...

All about the growth

Too Proud

2008-06-26T23:00:00.000-04:00

I remember a kiss that spoke to me. It told me of something new and promised. The passion it encompassed matched my reverence for his touch. I miss the embrace I felt then.
His scent wasn't familiar, but captivating enough to keep my yearn fresh. It lingered in the space under my nose, so I saved it. I use it to tap into that time for occasions like this.

A tender moment... Something genuine, honest, comfortable. I needed that.

I remember those piercing eyes gazing into mine. I escaped the desire to try to read them. In those moments of rapture, it didn't matter what was behind them. I knew the basics. He was top-shelf, and I was new to luxury.

All he needed was that first time to make an addict. I don't want rehab. I just want another fix.

But I guess not. I'm hiding my habit.

To Accept

2008-06-26T10:45:00.000-04:00

There's never a struggle to maintain my identity, just an expansion of my comfort zone to accommodate things, new and forgotten... simply an elevation of my life condition. But not everyone lives like I do. Not everyone budges or rearranges. I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or not. I've stepped to that beat before.

I find myself always, understanding... using logic, not emotion to tackle a situation, especially love and people. At first, I thought it was about being right, or nice... humanistic, even. But I've come to realize it's actually a defense mechanism. It's a way to shield myself from hurt, rejection, anguish that tends to arise.

My mother used to say that consideration is too time-consuming. With all said, I'm not exactly sure where that puts me. But I know the care I take, no one else seems to.

Foolish emotions can lead to a wretched tongue... and thus torn spirits. I find myself on the back end. I'm not OK with it.

I need to know that I have the freedom to fall with you. To be taken as I am... with my sensitivity, caring spirit, delicate heart, flimsy sense of humor, weird quirks and all. The scary part is not being enough. But we learn not to fret over that which we cannot change. But who says, we can't write about it.

Strife will take you to places you can't imagine.

Scribbling again...

2008-06-11T15:33:00.000-04:00

So, what do you do when you know something and as well as you should tell someone, you can't even begin to find the words. How do you tell someone something that would even make your head turn if you heard it. But you knew it had to be said. Well not HAD to, but it was important. I mean, even if its not bad.
Some people live in a place where they don't mind saying what needs to be said. Some people even take it to the next extreme and need a course called "TACT 101". Then you have those people who live somewhere in between. There are people who pick and choose when to be a housecat or a lion. The situation determines this interchanging ego, of course.
You can just float on the edge of this emotion until you find yourself about to explode. I actually don't think that's always a bad thing. Then, there are those who think when its the right time, things will come accordingly. My theory is that if the other party is as intuitive as me, they might already know what you're gonna say before you say it. Then all the fret will be futile. LOL. That's chemistry... maybe even love in some cases. Who knows.....?
So do we take the plunge, or wait until the "right" time makes itself known? WHich one is more fun? Which on is safer? Do we wanna be safe in situations like this? Hmmmmmmmm.....????>...

Passenger

2008-06-10T13:41:00.000-04:00

So tender, fresh, ignored...
I looked at her and saw my reflection,
tattered, worn, hurt, waiting.
I wanted to tell her how OK it would be,
but I had respect for her.
She asked me, "Why?" ... as if I had the answers in a confidential folder.
Her pride caused her chest to rise as if someone forbade to do otherwise in these situations.
An attempt of dignity came.
She walked away and told me she's going to find her salvation.
Her swollen belly glistened with innocence.

I wanted to tell her about the blank mission she was embarking on.
I wanted to tell her she was looking in the wrong direction.
I wanted to warn her about the blisters on her feet that were to come.
I wanted to hold her hand on this journey, but my feet were sore too.

She would soon find an unmatchable inner strength.
Soon, the walk's purpose would change.
Her smile would resurface with the embrace of her unborn.
She'll ask me, " What about me?"
I'll just wonder for her as I do for myself.
Where's my safety net?
No one ever catches me.
What if I'm not sure?
So, is this it?.... Stick it out?
No one's listening.
No one ever is.

I held her hand and walked with her.

Layers

2008-06-04T11:00:00.000-04:00

I don't pop my gum.
My earrings aren't smashed, nor do they have a scandalous phrase etched on them.
I don't wear sneakers everyday.
Red Lobster isn't 5-star.
I can buy my own drinks, but yours taste good too.
I don't speak too loudly.
I'll see you for what you are before you even begin to get a glimpse of me.
Love isn't dead.
I'm very coachable.
I love mangoes and pineapples.
I'm sad that blacks aren't marrying anymore.
I love hard...real hard.
I'm not a gold digger.
I know when to say no.
I know when to apologize and I don't feel any less for doing so.
I don't need your opinion to validate mine.
When I get nervous and I smile or rub lotion on my hands.
I'm not a bitch all the time.
I work best under pressure.
I have so much to learn.
I'll try almost anything at least once.
Men are different from women and that's OK.
I have more than one favorite color.
You won't know when it's my time of the month.
Everyone has innate good.
I'm always thirsty.
I'm passionate.
I love being in love.
I'm not a big chocolate fan...well any candy for that matter.
I see more for others, even when they don't.
I love to laugh.
I've been hurt before and that's OK.
I don't spend all day shopping.
Veggies are cool.
I'm feeling someone.
I want him to call me.
Rap isn't my favorite kind of music.
I don't know the lingo.
Terry McMillan isn't the only author I know.
My lips swell in the morning.
I don't perm my hair.
I don't wear a weave.
I don't wear contacts.
Marrying rich isn't my goal.
Your car type doesn't appeal to me.
Intelligent dudes are sexy.
I refrain from labelling.
I'm a great listener.
I miss old friends.
I get red in the summer.
There's nothing like sand in between your toes.
I'm beautiful.
I'm learning patience.
I want to see everything I can.
I can swim, and I'm not afraid to get my hair wet.
I don't eat fried chicken and habichuelas everyday.
I like polenta and risotto (not together of course).
My way isn't the only way.
I don't snap my fingers and suck my teeth.
I give second chances.
I'm proud of Barack Obama.
I always try to look at the bigger picture.
I miss my mother.

Scribbling

2008-06-03T21:42:00.000-04:00

Hmmmm....
I don't want to mess this up. I want more every time I think of him. I always want him in my space. But I don't want to suffocate him. I find myself thinking of that magnetic smile all the time. I giggle. I haven't giggled in years. YEARS... That's no bullshit!
UGHHHHHH.... I don't have the words. Most would agree that's not like me.
Butterflies. Flutters. Jitters. Rhythm. Sound. Smiles. Like. Love. Intensity. Intimacy. Height. Truth. Unspoken things. Change. Romance. Emotion. Desire. Comfort.
I don't have to make sense of it. Tastes good to me.

Human Revolution

2008-06-03T21:30:00.000-04:00

Always a new beginning....
The beauty of being is that you can create. "From this moment on". You can always take the next moment and change your life, your way of thinking. There's always a constant Human Revolution.
I've seen so much loss and sadness. But I've learned to find the good in all situations. It's not easy, believe me. I'm taking disappointment and molding in into the lesson of what's to come.
I am not a victim of circumstance. I am not defined by my past, my mistakes, or my fictions. I am defined by the woman who you may see before you today. Just me. The small freckles around my nose, the changing of my eye color. The scenes that sit under my eyelids are mere reminders of what got me here today.
So now I'm into a new beginning.

Coming Soon!!!

2008-06-03T21:27:00.001-04:00

I've never shared certain parts of who I am with anyone. But now, I am learning to find comfort, therapy even, in opening up my world. I always thought that no one could understand. When you begin to open yourself up, you allow others to see you in a different light that you may not have wanted to be shone upon you. You allow others to make assumptions regarding your character and what you're capable of. You begin to look different to them. So I keep quiet.
Recently, I shared a part of my "story" (that's what he called it) with one of the smartest people I know. Surprisingly, he urged me to get it out, despite my reservations. I looked at his eyes through his glasses and wanted a pair so he could just see through mine.
But here I am. I'm gonna take heed to some good advice from one of the few people who make any sense to me.
Maybe I'll make sense to someone else. Maybe I won't.

Speechless

2008-06-02T10:31:00.000-04:00

Absolutely Incredible. That's all I can get out........

Tastes Good To Me

2008-05-30T09:16:00.000-04:00

There's solace in my heart today. I just feel like everything is well. Something is good. I have no idea what yet, but I feel gorgeous. The sun is shining and I think its just for me. Its making me feel good. I asked for Her to stay with me.
Rejuvenation....
For a while, I've been waiting for this. I feel unstoppable. My skin is thick and soft. Anything I want is not only attainable, but may be right around the corner.
I'm not thinking about the bad stuff. All is too well. I'm smiling inside, but not to hold back tears this time.
Its so nice. I don't know where this burst of tranquility is coming from, but I don't feel to inquisitive today. Besides, when I see me benefit, I'm not asking questions. No mistakes, no coincidences, or accidents. I know just how exact the universe is.