Foolish women repeat themselves while queens learn from past ignorance.
I've been shown who I am.

I waited for your heart to speak my language
  and found myself tongue-tied and lost.
Realized my words were gibberish and foreign to your realm of what matters.
I translated your barricades into welcome mats and warnings into love letters...
But we were saying the same thing.

I am the closed diary and a young boy
  with all the memories of a time that has repeated itself.
Foolishly, I still miss the you that's etched in the comfort of untruths
  and am ashamed of finding peace in a lie.
My adoration is tempura thick while your resolve is diluted and mistaken.
I never required much.
Believing in one-night eternities and true love in stolen moments.
Those moments filled in spaces and you exposed them again.
I sat on the bench and watched you call the shots.
Trusting in a phantom...my love challenged tall tales and made itself known
  and you ran as if from your last breath.

I'm picking up the pieces of your absence with gritted teeth and bruised pride.
My favorite song now tortures my sensibility and distorts my disposition,
  making it an extension of you.
Confused by the cohabitation of disappointment and the need to taste your lips again.
I see that I love someone who reserves me in his back pocket
  and watched me set up shop in the recesses of his mind.
I think I hear you laughing at me now.
An intense love story, we spanned across time.
Now we've become a fable.

Absolute...proven theory.
You and I are a scientific certainty that I prove every time I stare at you.
I'm bound by the strings you strum when you tell me you're thinking of me
  and remember those moments in times of loneliness.

Love happened in a million yesterdays...
We have exemplified, mastered, and transcended it.
This is something else....
A connection greater than magnetic pull,
You'll feel my touch from the top of a distant thought
  and hear my heart calling for for across lifetimes.

No expectations needed.
We manifest each other.
Our paths are ingrained in our beings,
  Our thoughts dance with one another when we sit in silence, stealing normalcy.
I entertain the idea of forever
  because you serve as a cushion for me to fall on.
I didn't know you were possible.
Your smile is genius and your touch assaults my questions.
They'd ask me what my name is
And I'd reply, "Grateful".
You lend substance to my prose and create my next achievement.
I'll spend the rest of my days trying to explain what we have,
And I'll never get it right.

I See You

I see you.
I know who you are.
Distant and jaded...
You've perfected the art of blame...
Wearing yesterday's regrets like a winter coat during a blizzard.
Afraid of your own shadow, so you stand in someone else's.
Stuck in someone else's muck and make it your own.
I have your number...
Dialed it accidentally.
I've seen some like you.
Obviously broken.
You're a bad reputation engulfed in fake agendas.
A mistake that continues to repeat itself.
Defense mechanisms built on marshmallows in glass huts.
You wear my patience pancake-thin
And relish in the thought of my ignorance...foolish.
Those like you never think anyone else sees...
Wrapping lies in pleasantries and well wishes,
But I translated them.
I know what you try to do
Because your failure wreaks in the air around you...your theme song.
It seeps through your pores making you pitiful.
I saw you were before you said my name.
I call you out.
Expose you.
You know who you were.
I know exactly who you are.

I'd thought for a portion of a minute
Like pixi dust in a treasure chest...marked with an "X"
I'd found him.
I saw him.
A face I painted a million times over
Different in each attempt
Appeared in a teardrop from my past.
I prepared to comfort this fantasy like an abandoned child.
I crushed stars and blew through galaxies to see his smile.
Enamored by a tainted idea of forever,
I held my arms out to the hope of talks under the stars and late lunches with him.
His name became part of my vernacular...
Just before he packed his things
I wrote my vows,
While he put my diginity in his suitcase like a keepsake to remind himself of my existence.
Foolish and aborted, again.
Waiting for him to return.
Stripped down,
Bare,
Acapella...
The band left.
The music knows something I haven't figured out yet.

Untitled

If he'd just say the words...
He vanquishes those question marks
Sealing the gaps and settles the iniquity that festers in a race never won.
He puts a conclusion to the stories I was told....making all the fairy tales true.
I spend each day devising new ways to say "Thank You"...
He knows I'm the perfect candidate...
I fulfill old expectations, make new ones, boost egos and heal souls... all before breakfast,
Because I'm that bad...and he's that worth it.
His voice pays homage to ideas configured in better times.
A compliment to a queen's standards...
He's what was needed when my majesty sat in rags,
Hopeless in the dungeons of empty homes.
More than a breath of fresh air,
He's the wisp of oxygen I searched for feverishly when I drowned,
And he continues to save my life.
I'm retiring my poker face because he's my partner.
He called my bluff and nurtured it...
I bowed out gracefully.
He's an accoutrement that never overshadows...
Sitting on my tongue as the coolness of wine,
I feel my heart digest him in agreement.
I'm trying to put a face to this energy,
And dare someone to tell me I can't

Avoiding missing you.
Conjuring ways to make the idea of you and I submit to the dormant layers of my thoughts.
I'm unsuccessful every time.
I'm trying not to ask anything of you.
Scared to ask you to stay...so soon.
I stand astonished at my willingness to share so much.
Restraining myself from locking the door behind you.
I'm taking leaps and strides directed toward your good graces,
Landing in a kiss that's bred to sparkle and enchant a disillusioned heart....
A kiss that sits patiently next to all that matters to me.
I practiced how I'd invite back before you even left the first time.
All of my cards are on the table...
A touch so definite...
Eyes that are knowing and confident enough to call my bluffs..
I notice your confidence as I watch you raise the stakes with every just-for-nothing text.
I'm in a place I promised myself I'd never be
With no regrets in sight.
I'm appreciative of you every time.

I have to erase you.
Cease these violent truths with gentle ends,
Turn my head and not imagine you asking for a steady return.
I'm asking for scientific and figurative impossibilities.
I need you to stop mattering.
Stop being...here.
No more rendezvous in my subconscious
Self-inflicting this sure loss...
Losing the war when I permit you to my chambers.
The past glory of your affection can no longer grant you asylum here.
Your absence and your presence are co-existing
Playing on my sanity.
I'm routing for a team that's not even playing anymore.
As much as I need you....
I need you to go

You are as real to me as the vows I took.
Your form becomes true and real when you whisper my name.
I thought you'd never come.
I've dug through the rubble of a fire I thought was extinguished,
Sifted through the debris of lies and "never again"s.
We connect as if we've been looking for one another.
You're my missing artifact.
You laugh when I hum tunes you don't know.
You're amazed at how comfortable we are in silence.
We promised forever and that's what I'm giving.
I am living for this commitment.
I am breathing life into flowers, notes, and candles.
Every nerve impulse dedicated to new ways of exceeding your expectations.
I am mimicking you.
I felt special when you chose me.
I still sleep in my white dress...
You're always here, dwelling in between whats real and what keeps me warm.
You are my "husband-in-my-head"
And I continue to share my forever with you.

Incomplete

Escaping the melodramatic reality of solidarity
Feeling like half....
Not enough...
Maybe three quarters.
Falling short of worthiness....not able.

Cup half empty
Leaving you thirsty although you'll never say.
I'm sorry.
I'll walk in circles...
Trace my steps to find the ground I forgot to touch
Find the words I was supposed to say
Figure out my mistake
Find my way back to you.
I'm lost
Insufficient
Obsolete
Frivolous
Jaded
I'm just so.....without you.
I was thinking my heart's abundance sealed the holes...
Filled your vacancies
Maybe I never came close.
I'm too presumptuous that way.
I wasn't enough.

Finally... You're Here

I'm still excited as if you continue to happen...
Like a recurrence....
I linger on your spurts of existence that never take leave
Entangled in the wings of butterflies born upon your majesty.
You continue to be
As if your breath thrives on the strength of your grip on my sanity.
Always something different but the same to me.
Standing where I've been for months....still.
I wait in moments that have already expired...but appear again as new.
Foolishly believing I'd changed...
I held onto you...
Adding personality to my daydreams
I wait for what seems like countless kalpas
The stroke of your hair lends merit to the minutes.
I'll stand diligent for as long as it takes.
You're better than you know.
So special that it's fact...absolute.
I think it's dope that you get me.
We've become each other's solutions.
So beautiful
*Sigh*
I miss you before you say goodbye.

While You Were Sleeping 2

Up before you
I watch patiently....
Hovering like a new parent
Stealing kisses
Keeping tabs like a warden would...
Concerned....
In rapture...
Awake as if missing something,
Making sure you're really here
For I have daydreamed about these moments.
Upset that I wasted time on sleep in the first place.
Watching....
Wondering if you understand the risk I'm willing to take
The measures I'm capable of pushing just to keep you here...
I'm respecting you.
Watching....
Pushing my hope to the back burner
Rejection forcing me to relish in the present moment.
I am keeping the "I Love You"s on the curve of my lip
Hoping you'll taste them
Sweet as simple syrup
Just as I remember and long overdue.
I miss you more than it may be appropriate to say.
I'm up before you...
Savoring the now
Observing you in your solace
And now....for just right now...I have mine.

Sudden Solitude

Daunting silence.
The steadiness of your breath.
Chest heaving...up and down.
I'm watching a sleeping ghost.
Closing my eyes, using my fingers to trace the lines of your face.
Addressing the cold spot on the other side of the bed.
Reading old messages,
Remembering sweet nothings,
Existing in a new realm of self-torture.
Bathing in puddles of tears.
Keeping broken appearances, lying to myself.
Stationed by a dead phone, uninhabited rooms, empty windows...
Made a mockery of by an uneventful caller ID.
One-sided conversations with picture mail...
I'm pitiful,
But not ashamed...
Sending cosmic energy
Wrapping my arms around you despite your absence.
I've never left...
I made promises that I now uphold to a phantom.
My heart was always ten steps ahead of forever.
It was in paradise with you.

I'm With You

You can find me sitting under icy stars...
Connecting the dots, making a face that's emblazoned across my home.
Find me sniffing the sheets
Savoring the moments for just another minute
Putting my head across your chest,
In awe of the musical agreement our heartbeats have decided upon.
I preserve you like ripe fruit and spread you thick to nourish my past.
I sustain you in the heart that's been missing.
I tried not to let you seep into my skin...
Begged your eyes not to call out my transparency
But you showed no clemency....
For once, I wasn't so lucky...but its fine.
Taking my common sense for high ransom
And I don't mind.
I'm putting my feet in your shoes
Filling the spaces with the passion of last night.
I think I get closer to you...
Holding high station in my existence
I am wearing you like religion on Sundays,
Reclining in deliverance.
You are the backbone and premise of my thoughts and everything I have to say
And I am standing in this emotion on stilts.
I'm walking on thick ice..
Walking around in that scene from a movie
Dancing in the rain
Digesting your thoughts, making them a part of me
I've dreamt of the good life, but I'm now basking in excellence.
I'm with you.

Husband

I proclaimed you the bearer of my torch.
I hold onto your arm proudly...not afraid of falling.
You encompass the knight my mother promised me,
Safeguarding my heart, granting my dad's wish.
I thank you with my vulnerability.
My gratitude is leaps beyond what you can begin to fathom.
So in tune with your heart that its sitting on mine
Perched like a sheltered hummingbird in the distance.
I have played our wedding a million times,
Tattooed my vows on a star-kissed path to enlightenment.
I retire in your sweet nothings...
Smooth like Beaujolais on the driest night in Dahab.
I am waiting for quiet sunsets on the back porch sipping iced tea
No words needed
Walks under tranquil willow trees
Old butterflies still flapping their wings

While You Were Sleeping

I'm staring at a resting savior...
Modest in his brow,
Lean in deceit or anything bad.
I am holding on with every ounce of who I am,
Watching the rise and fall of your chest, trying to mimic you.
I can only hope my breaths are that graceful.
These days they're staggered, restless, waiting for your call, staccato.
You're way too beautiful for me to just let you leave at the turn of light.
Maybe we were meant to be just like this.
I'm making up excuses to get me out of watching you leave.
Everything else never matters.
My hangups are precipitously disconnected with no room to breathe.
Your face is stapled under my eyelids and attached to my palm like a dingy love letter
Falling harder than a quarter from the top of a skyscraper....
For once, I'm not scared.

Maybe

something I can say I really feel...a real dedication


I've been thinking of the possibilities
About the "what if's"
These thoughts....
Awaken dormant thirsts
Exciting my taste buds...leaving them in awe of something new.
This is refreshing...even in its obscurity.
They tickle me in my downtime
Revoking my woe's iniquities.
I am thinking of you....
Entertaining beautiful scenarios without shape
Pressing my face against the imprint left in my mind, feeling closer to you
Escaping vulnerability, standing firmer in this feeling...this....awareness.
More than a crush...a prospect.
I am thinking of you.....
Smiling a smile I thought I lost
It has been aroused by the citings of a face I may never see.
I am wondering things I shouldn't.
I am wondering if you're doing the same.

Old Maid?

Feeling as if the lonely nights are tenants now
They've become familiar like the paint on my walls
Bold in hue
The emptiness plays a drum roll for me
Asking me about my day
I'm living with absence and heartbreak
I'm co-existing with someone else's failure, making it my own
Proactive in defeat
Beaten up and downtrodden by disappointment
Bells ringing because I've lost the fight...so tired
Wondering if I have one more in me
Because this alone thing ain't cutting it

Its amazing how things always have a tendency to come full circle.

Untitled

I have never seen anything so beauteous
Never been held so tight by a feeling
Keeping me company when I'm sequestered in dark thought
A nightlight
A glow that was whispered in the times of holding hands and steady pins
Giving shape to the breath that keeps me kicking
I love the way I find completion in the thought of you
The way you rock under my eyelids in the morning
And stay there to tell me goodnight
I owe you more than you're aware of
Standing as a protector of my heart when solitude was becoming probable
I wonder if you felt me probing the depths of poetic verses to find your face
I wonder if you noticed me disarm during a kiss that is still lasting under my skin
This is almost too real to be mine
Gratitude suspended in the spaces between my thoughts
You're better than perfect, wearing your scars in my pockets
You're superhuman....
Choking the life out of any uncertainty in my heart

Today

So... I had some important stuff to do today. Started my day as normal...granola bar, fruit, iced chai tea...and I'm off. I went to the city as planned...and came back to Brooklyn.... starving. I stopped downtown...Court Street, actually. Got some chicken, rice, and salad from the Halal truck in front of Barnes & Noble. I decided to stroll....

Found myself under the Brooklyn Bridge. Its beautiful. A small park-like area with benches. I found an empty one and sat down. Took off my shoes and blazer...perched my big legs up on the bench and took in the breeze from the water.

I sat there for a minute...almost as if in a trance.. Food on my lap...sweat nowhere to be found...purse on the ground. I sat and sat...then it happened... Almost as if it were just waiting for me to give some kinda approval. Tears... not just any tears... like a floodgate opened. I couldn't stop. They stared trickling down my face slowly. Then they began to congregate in the creases of my neck as if there was a meeting I wasn't aware of. I didn't know what was going on...still don't.. but I cried like a baby. Hard....

Why do I feel this way? Why am I still carrying around these last fucking 40 lbs. like I owe them something? No one cares. What about when I need a place to swim? Where's my constant? What about when I'm not sure? No one ever hears me..Why did she not care enough about herself? She has 3 kids she left behind. I need my mother. My heart hurts. Why did he leave me alone to do this by myself? The cruelest thing ever... Why do they say one thing and mean another? Why do they all have to be mean and call it something else? Why did this fucking doctor have to tell me about those cells on my cervix last year? I didn't wanna know. She coulda kept that shit to her fucking self! Bitch! How come the minute I give a little thought to someone..they step all over it as if its not there? Why do I always have to come fucking second? Fuck that!! Why have I been alone for so long? Why do i always feel outta the loop? Feeling so hurt...can't even say why...

That's what I was thinking...the various thoughts that ran through my head. I don't why they came like that... but they left just as suddenly as they came. After a while, my face dried and I became preoccupied with the big bird that was flying a bit too close for my comfort. I looked down at my food that sat on my lap. Opened the carton and slowly ate. People-watched. Felt vulnerable. Wasn't sure if anyone saw me.

I felt a bit better.

Common Ground

Today...I posted something on Twitter...and it got the tweets rolling. But when I said it..I was just talking and I didn't realize how deep it was until other began to recognize it.

Everyone's love has different parameters

Isn't this the truest thing ever?

Sometimes...people need to hear this. Singles complain about their other half "not getting them". There are often miscommunications of intent and expectations. This is where there must be open honesty. Not even so much with the other party, but even moreso with ourselves. Everyone's love has different parameters. People show how they feel in different ways. The small things to you may be a big step for someone else. They may be going through their own human revolution, trying to find and expand their life to include you in it.

And sometimes, people's affection has different languages. Some people like physical touch, some folks are a bit more vocal. For some its quality time. I knew someone who was like the latter. He just wanted to be in his girlfriend's presence...just her being in the house while he watches the game or something...he was good. I personally have a mixture...but I think I'm more vocal than anything. I communicate what I think and feel.

The key is to find someone who speaks your language. The word love is relative. One's love may not look the same as the next. So, we must find someone who looks similar to us...or someone who can respect the look and feel of our love.