Senses..blabbering again

So.... I took a much needed vacation. Had some much needed fun. And now I'm back to reality.

I guess my time was so memorable because I haven't had a chance to just be me in such a long time. Being me...I always say that I am a different person now that I'm a mom. The person I was before still sits inside me...lurking. The Dominican Republic was all I needed. LOL... I did things I have never done before and experienced feelings that I thought I forgot. Just uninhibited fun.

As soon as I got on the plane to come home...I became vacation sick. I said that I needed just one more week. Another day even. I came home and dropped my bags. They sat there up until a few minutes ago...

Opening the bags let out a familiar fragrance...happiness. The smell of the sand, salt water, and tropical island brought me back to that place. Immediately I began to have flashbacks of my time there...and I began to miss it all over again. Its amazing how connected the senses are...what they can do to you. Just eating a certain kind of fruit can bring back the memory something grand...you know? I took my heavy bag, sat it on my lap and looked at the outfits I wore. I wrapped myself in them and took in their scent, trying to capture the moment when I wore it. What I did and who I was with. Gave me the shivers. I remembered the impenetrable smile that would never leave my face. I saw the salty swimsuits in my bag and could almost feel the sand in between my toes. I put one on...and am still wearing it. This is an escape...I wonder when I'll have the courage to take it off.

Getting up without an alarm clock, feeling sexy and free. Letting my thoughts wander as I lay on the beach without a single care in the world. Meeting people from all around the world who just wanted to let their hair down.

When I visited the discoteque, I saw women and men dancing...eyes closed. Thoughts ablaze. Just basking in the sensual moment they were in right then. I joined them... feeling my limbs twist and gyrate...as if one with the music. My partner felt my energy and his thoughts became mine. His hands knowingly explored my skin and took in the fragrance on my neck. Been so long..... There was no need to allow or prohibit. No words to be spoken. His energy picked up everything it should have. Our bodies swayed to the waves that crashed outside and sweat dripped to the beat of the music. I wondered was it the place that was so enchanting? If so, I might invest in timeshare...LOL.

No one understood what this trip meant to me. I plan on making this something regular....

Letter

Dear You,

I know it sounds cliche...but I can't stop thinking about you. You torture me in my alone moments and steal the silence of sleep. I explore the possibilities in my head and pick them apart with hope. Finding myself waiting for a call that hasn't come across yet....what are you doing? Or should I say what have you done to me? Skin softer than mine, past anguish sitting on your optimistic words. I heard it all. I know. I understand. So different, yet we still have so much in common...It was like seeing someone I knew was there, but couldn't put a face to. I can remember you saying that I fight in my sleep with so much stuff in my head, but now you've jumped to number 1 on the list. It'll pass, but right now, I'm enjoying this feeling.

Thanx!
Green

Vacation...

Question...

So you travel with a bunch of friends and some family...Some are friends of friends, blah, blah, blah. After some dirty dancing and sweet talk, things get heated between a travel mate and yourself...one thing leads to another ( I totally love that line because I now fully understand what it means). You talk about what each other likes in a mate, why ur single, and whats ur favorite songs...the good stuff. You guys chill for the remainder of the trip...GREAT TIME...

Now its time to go home...you live relatively close to one another...you offer your contact info...

When should you expect a phone call?

Just Venting...

-Yes...I have an attitude. Hence the silence. You pass me by and ignore me all the fucking time. Then u wanna call and act like everything is normal. Well, it's not. You forget what you say, but I don't. Then you have this yeah I said it attitude...but I realize that I've been WWAAYYYY too nice to you. I never let you see the virgo in me because I thought it would turn you off. But I think you need a dose of your own medicine. Yeah, you'll act like it doesn't bother you, but in ur heart of hearts, you know you have issues that you need to address. Stop acting like you don't care just to turn the attention from you. And learn to say sorry.

-I'm honing my skills, fnally. And I don't need any negative energy in my circle. You complain way too much.

-My son is so smart that it's beginning to scare me.

-Most men are full of shit. Even if they don't know it.

-I wanna put my black and white pix back up...I have to redo my living room.

-I don't discuss things with you because you offer things and talk about all you do later. I've busted you taking hella credit for doing something for someone that they couldv'r done without you. Then you make it seem as if you were the all to end all in the situation...PULEEEEZE. That's why I never accept your nice gestures. I'm not sorry either.

-It's been a while and you haven't found a job. I understand it's hard out there, but you're not even looking. At all. Everytime I call you, you're home. The you wanna be around me...DON'T THINK SO...You have kids. Stop being a fucking statistic.

-I'm sorry you think I'm mean, but I love you too much to let you fall by the wayside. Mommy wouldn't hear of it.

-My writing block is over...so there's some new stuff coming...I know I've been saying it for a while...don't kill me.

-I know ur going thru a rough patch, and I wanna help...talk to me anytime.

-I am officially on twitter and have been enjoying myself.

Soooo everyone out there in the blogosphere...I'm back!!!!
I'm going on vacation for Memorial Day weekend....this makes vaca #2. And I'm trying to plan something for my birthday...wanna go to Puerto Rico...

Ok ttyl

Untitled so far ....

I know I'ma add onto this at some point....

I'm trying to make sense of this familiar emotion
I'ma let it engulf my thoughts and questions, hold on for dear life.
I miss this feeling, this escape, this flutter, the confusion, the signals, a smile that could take me anytime.
My only regret is that none of my sonnets, phrases, breaths, or anything else I create
Could even begin to sound like your HELLO...
Too much to digest all at once
I have to dissect you, take you in doses like an elixir.
You're so beautiful.
I thought of you more than I should have
While you were actively forgetting me.
So unexpectedly...
Almost as if I'm smelling sunlight and tanning in perfume.
I am thinking of you.
Sweet and mysterious with distance kept and a guard hired.
I wonder if my skin is strong enough.
Can it withstand the purity of your honesty...
or the clarity of another teardrop?

Thank You Revolutionaries

Getting deep at ur own risk. Just wanted to get some stuff out.



It makes me so sad and so angry. There was a was waged on blacks and I believe we're still fighting it. No unification for us.... From Garvey to King to X to Newton...lives have been lost in order to secure some level of common decency. Imagine being young and black in the sixties. Things aren't hard now. Playing Russian Roulette with your life on the way to get milk for breakfast the next day. Or have the billy clubs been replaced with crack pipes and self hate? Screaming and no one can hear. No one cares...calling us niggers...but now that's what we fancy ourselves to be. That's what we call ourselves...and defend it.



Full pursuit for our comfort and human rights. HUMAN RIGHTS...at one point, someone actually had to stand up and ask for...DEMAND... for us to be treated as humans. We take advantage of their life struggle. We slander their life condition and what they stood for. Leaving our women to raise children alone, calling women bitches and hoes...measuring your manhood on the number of women you bed, attacking men for how much money they make (or don't make). Damned if you do...damned if you don't.



The white man took some from Africa and have led a legacy of self hate and aggravation among us. We can't even compliment each other anymore. Don't even like the kink in our hair. They told us that we weren't beautiful and we believed them. We act ugly. Buying luxury cars...divas...and ballers.... and there are people in this country who can't even buy a fucking loaf of bread or get on the bus to go to a doctor's appointment. The African slave trade has done a mighty number on Black Americans. And what kills it is that most don't even see it. Content for mediocrity. I thought we were worth so much more than that. Black leaders haven't died so we could just get by. I'm so much better than that. We come from a legacy of kings and queens. King said it. Malcolm said it.

What would they say now. Would they be proud of us?

The gov't pumped drugs onto our streets and we crumbled like old cookie dough. Children growing up with no parents...left to lead dysfunctional lives and children with twisted morals on what things should be. No one knows their history so they cannot be appreciative. Seeing ex addicts...tears to my eyes. The hurt of broken promises and the need for an escape. They knew what they were doing. Its a vicious cycle that we're still participating in. The question is: Are we in too deep. Was there a number done on us that we just can't shake? Or can we rise with knowledge and self-worth? I honestly don't know the answer. I can only speak for myself. I'm not as courageous as those who stood before me because I find myself giving up on ignorance...ignorance from my own people.

Thank You Revolutionaries.... I will always owe you a debt of gratitude...so do many others.

Many Thanx!!

My son's birthday was on Friday and I had a party for him yesterday....so, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off...
I must say that he had a BLAST!!!! I'm so grateful for the people who showed up. All the more than generous gifts he received and the help I got as well. It just got me to thinking....
Sometimes, people are dealt a less than fortunate hand in life and end up with a shitty family...I'm one of them. My family is so deeply jaded and entrenched in the mistakes that were made by the last generation and the ones before....they can't even reach out. I said that when I have children, I want my kid to have the strong family network that I didn't have. But I have come to realize that family is what you make it. Whether its my bestest best friend who I've known since 5th grade, or the fairy godmother who actually kept her promise and tried to best to look out for you when both your parents went on to glory. It could even be the neighbor who you've found a good friendship with over the last 2 years...who's ALWAYS willing to help since she knows you're not gonna ask her. I'm so grateful.... Even though its not a cousin, aunt, or uncle, I'm so grateful for the people who showed their heads at a point when I thought NO ONE would support. I'm a single mom for the rest of the year, but for this one occasion, I had the biggest family ever...or should I say my son did... Either way, I'm happy I had help yesterday.