I'd thought for a portion of a minute
Like pixi dust in a treasure chest...marked with an "X"
I'd found him.
I saw him.
A face I painted a million times over
Different in each attempt
Appeared in a teardrop from my past.
I prepared to comfort this fantasy like an abandoned child.
I crushed stars and blew through galaxies to see his smile.
Enamored by a tainted idea of forever,
I held my arms out to the hope of talks under the stars and late lunches with him.
His name became part of my vernacular...
Just before he packed his things
I wrote my vows,
While he put my diginity in his suitcase like a keepsake to remind himself of my existence.
Foolish and aborted, again.
Waiting for him to return.
Stripped down,
Bare,
Acapella...
The band left.
The music knows something I haven't figured out yet.

Untitled

If he'd just say the words...
He vanquishes those question marks
Sealing the gaps and settles the iniquity that festers in a race never won.
He puts a conclusion to the stories I was told....making all the fairy tales true.
I spend each day devising new ways to say "Thank You"...
He knows I'm the perfect candidate...
I fulfill old expectations, make new ones, boost egos and heal souls... all before breakfast,
Because I'm that bad...and he's that worth it.
His voice pays homage to ideas configured in better times.
A compliment to a queen's standards...
He's what was needed when my majesty sat in rags,
Hopeless in the dungeons of empty homes.
More than a breath of fresh air,
He's the wisp of oxygen I searched for feverishly when I drowned,
And he continues to save my life.
I'm retiring my poker face because he's my partner.
He called my bluff and nurtured it...
I bowed out gracefully.
He's an accoutrement that never overshadows...
Sitting on my tongue as the coolness of wine,
I feel my heart digest him in agreement.
I'm trying to put a face to this energy,
And dare someone to tell me I can't

Avoiding missing you.
Conjuring ways to make the idea of you and I submit to the dormant layers of my thoughts.
I'm unsuccessful every time.
I'm trying not to ask anything of you.
Scared to ask you to stay...so soon.
I stand astonished at my willingness to share so much.
Restraining myself from locking the door behind you.
I'm taking leaps and strides directed toward your good graces,
Landing in a kiss that's bred to sparkle and enchant a disillusioned heart....
A kiss that sits patiently next to all that matters to me.
I practiced how I'd invite back before you even left the first time.
All of my cards are on the table...
A touch so definite...
Eyes that are knowing and confident enough to call my bluffs..
I notice your confidence as I watch you raise the stakes with every just-for-nothing text.
I'm in a place I promised myself I'd never be
With no regrets in sight.
I'm appreciative of you every time.

I have to erase you.
Cease these violent truths with gentle ends,
Turn my head and not imagine you asking for a steady return.
I'm asking for scientific and figurative impossibilities.
I need you to stop mattering.
Stop being...here.
No more rendezvous in my subconscious
Self-inflicting this sure loss...
Losing the war when I permit you to my chambers.
The past glory of your affection can no longer grant you asylum here.
Your absence and your presence are co-existing
Playing on my sanity.
I'm routing for a team that's not even playing anymore.
As much as I need you....
I need you to go

You are as real to me as the vows I took.
Your form becomes true and real when you whisper my name.
I thought you'd never come.
I've dug through the rubble of a fire I thought was extinguished,
Sifted through the debris of lies and "never again"s.
We connect as if we've been looking for one another.
You're my missing artifact.
You laugh when I hum tunes you don't know.
You're amazed at how comfortable we are in silence.
We promised forever and that's what I'm giving.
I am living for this commitment.
I am breathing life into flowers, notes, and candles.
Every nerve impulse dedicated to new ways of exceeding your expectations.
I am mimicking you.
I felt special when you chose me.
I still sleep in my white dress...
You're always here, dwelling in between whats real and what keeps me warm.
You are my "husband-in-my-head"
And I continue to share my forever with you.

Incomplete

Escaping the melodramatic reality of solidarity
Feeling like half....
Not enough...
Maybe three quarters.
Falling short of worthiness....not able.

Cup half empty
Leaving you thirsty although you'll never say.
I'm sorry.
I'll walk in circles...
Trace my steps to find the ground I forgot to touch
Find the words I was supposed to say
Figure out my mistake
Find my way back to you.
I'm lost
Insufficient
Obsolete
Frivolous
Jaded
I'm just so.....without you.
I was thinking my heart's abundance sealed the holes...
Filled your vacancies
Maybe I never came close.
I'm too presumptuous that way.
I wasn't enough.

Finally... You're Here

I'm still excited as if you continue to happen...
Like a recurrence....
I linger on your spurts of existence that never take leave
Entangled in the wings of butterflies born upon your majesty.
You continue to be
As if your breath thrives on the strength of your grip on my sanity.
Always something different but the same to me.
Standing where I've been for months....still.
I wait in moments that have already expired...but appear again as new.
Foolishly believing I'd changed...
I held onto you...
Adding personality to my daydreams
I wait for what seems like countless kalpas
The stroke of your hair lends merit to the minutes.
I'll stand diligent for as long as it takes.
You're better than you know.
So special that it's fact...absolute.
I think it's dope that you get me.
We've become each other's solutions.
So beautiful
*Sigh*
I miss you before you say goodbye.