Secondary Love

I stood in the dark and waited.
My eyes turned blue with anticipation
that knew its length of stay.
It chuckled at me, but I didn't hear.
I set up a kingdom in my cove
with the law set by the beat of my heart.
The city walls were impenetrable
and bound by the steadfastness of my admiration
The furies sat on my shoulder and sang a song.
They played chords of agony and regret, noted neglected and betrayed.
I wasn't paying attention.

I stood in the dark and waited,
Reflecting on the spaces you filled,
new heights reached... lying dormant in the mouth of absence.
My heart grew fonder by the minute.
I was for you and you for me.
The night wasn't cold in my kingdom
Because my bed whispered trails of your scent.
I basked in them... I knew you would come.

I stood in the dark and waited.
Joy crept up when I heard your footsteps.
My shoulders felt warm when I heard you dancing.
But the walls of my kingdom crumbled when you were dancing with someone else.

Finally, my ears were wide open. I'm not waiting.

Black Serenade

I'm throwing away my IPod.
These tracks understand my fears all too well...
Alarming...
Don't wanna be reminded of a love that doesn't whisper my name in the night.
Don't wanna moisten a new pillow with old tears.
Listening to a future me, pissed at my mistakes.
Too smart for that.
I'm listening to these wretched love songs
Waiting for comfort hidden in the break of a note,
or a kiss that fills my dreams, torturing me.
Listening to lives that aren't mine,
Re-enacting them under my eyelids when sleep subdues me.
I'm jumping into an empty bed with a phantom.
Getting fucked by my hang-ups,
I sleep with them and make tea when its early.
Waking up alone....
I'm not ready to face the void that awaits in my reality.
Comfort in cowardice...
Never present
Always dismissed into a warped compartment of my heart
Serenaded by Track # 10.

Filling Holes

Bridging the gap
Answers to questions I didn't know I had
I'm so grateful.
I wasn't sure I could do it, but I'm doing it better than most.
Everyone knew it couldn't be done, but they won't write it the congratulatory cards.
I'm too fierce.
I'm finally proud of myself.
Sitting in the dew of a whole bunch of NO's
I exemplify a yes that's possible, even when I never thought it was.
Finding out more than I need to know...
Filling holes I didn't know existed
Uncovering the ones I wanted to hide
Almost embarrassed of my growth.... LOL

I'm Back!!!!

So much....to say......

But I will....soon!!!!!

Hey Muze and Xoxo.....

Untitled

This yearn is so exact and never failing,
Omnipotent in its reign.
I'm painting you with an immeasurable amount of color
But still can't get the hue of your face.
At night, you become my sleep aid.
During the day, you give shape to my purpose that I couldn't see.
I'm still not sure of how you look.
A love that doesn't exist in my everyday...
Words missing from my vernacular...
Missing an incomplete thought...
Dangling in amazement by the scent that lingers on my sheets.
When you come, I'll build you a fortress.
The valiance of my anticipation will build one for me.
You'll figure that everything before was just preparation for this.
My mistakes will be perfected into bouts of romance.
You'll know I love you.
It'll be forever...

Dreaming Craziness

OK... so after my nightly ritual, the VP debate, and finally catching We Own the Night and No Country For Old Men (yea, I was up pretty late last night), my big eyes finally closed and I slept like a baby. But I had one of the most craziest dreams ever and I just HAD to share.

I need feedback, but not everyone knows the full situation, but.... OH WELL........



So, I was invited to a wedding. Not just any wedding, but his wedding. Of course I was reluctant to go. I decided I would go, but apparently I waited too long to send in my RSVP.

He called me.

I didn't wanna hear his voice. He didn't know exactly what he could make me do with it. Then again, I think he did.

me: Hey, stranger!??
Him: Whatever... did you get what I sent you?
me: What?.... Oh yeah, I got it. Congratulations.
Him: Yeah, thanks. So you comin'.
me: If you let me...
Him: I am that's why I sent the invitation. (laughing, obviously ignoring the banter, asshole)
me: Of course, I'm coming. Why wouldn't I?
Him: Oh, alright. Just checking. Well I'ma take this as your RSVP. I'll see you there.
CLICK!!!

I don't remember the wedding, but I remember being at the reception. It was the first time I ever saw his "significant other". Yuck...You could tell she was a very warm person and she loved him, but she wasn't a looker and she was like 10 lbs. heavier than me. Great, now the reason all the answers to my questions have a heartbeat. *SIGH* In the dream I was like 20 lbs. lighter than I am now. Yay!! And you know I had to come to this event CORRECT!!! I noticed him staring at me during the reception. Didn't know what was behind the eyes. I never do. We hadn't seen each other in a while. I just wanted to talk to him. Not about anything mushy, but just talk to him about something...anything. Like it used to be. I was there alone and I left alone. He didn't even come over and say thanks for coming. But at the same time, he wasn't acting all smitten with his new wife. Hmmmm. I just realized that.

Then, the dream morphed into something else. I remember he came to my house with one of his friends. Why???.... I couldn't even begin to tell you. Dreams are weird. He said my apt. was cozy and he liked it. I could tell he felt comfortable. Something about his demeanor. He started complimeting me on my taste, my vinyl records, old black and white pics...the way I decorated. Then, a weird look came across his face and he just stared at me. I knew what he was thinking. Seeing me in my own element gave me a different face. A face that at one point he wanted to see.
Next we were in his car. I sat in the back seat with his son. This man has no kids that I know of and I don't know of a car. I don't know what the hell I was doing there or where we were going, but there I was in dreamland. He kept telling his son about the candy, but he snuck it in his mouth anyway. We hit a bump and I guess the morsel went down the wrong pipe or something. The boy started coughing and gagging. From the driver's seat, I could see sheer terror, but we were on the Belt Parkway doing way above the speed limit and pulling over wasn't an option. So, being a mom (my son was nowhere in this dream), I just put the kid at a 45-degree angle (so cavalier... like a mommy-expert) and banged on his back until the damn candy shot out. But first, the kid had to throw up on my hand. Ill... But I wasn't upset in the dream... I was cool about it. We drove to a hotel (I don't know why) to clean up and get some rest. I could tell that the little one's incident still startled him. We checked in, put the kid to sleep, and just stood at the table. He came over and asked me for a hug. ASKED ME FOR A HUG??? Now you know I was dreaming. Some people just don't do certain things. Its not that they don't want to. They just don't go about them like that. That man hugged me so tight, I could hear the blood calmly travel through his veins. I could hear the organs in his body operate, checking each other. At that point I didn't care why he did it. I just breathed in his scent. No cologne... just his skin. He looked down at me and said, "Thank You". So tender and real. I didn't reply. I didn't need to. We just stayed like that for a while.

That's all I remember.

Ok... So why did I dream about him? No, I wasn't thinking about him before I went to sleep. Maybe on a deeper level, was I? Nawwwww.....
I must admit that on another level, I thought that one moment he'd wake up and smell the coffee. I read too much into things that may not be signals at all. But maybe they could be...
Was I fooling myself? Is this dream wishful thinking of my inner self... or a bad omen... or just a dream? Its been so long. Some people will never stop invading your heart, your thoughts. I was a kid, now a grown up...and he's still here.

I get caught in between a stare that lasted too long
and a heart that doesn't
say my name.

On The Brink

Hmmmm???? Maybe I shouldn't even entertain it? I dunno......

Reminder

Its the center of an eye,

dark and unfavorable...

Engulfed by color, jealous, unable to resist.

The muddy waters that surround a Lotus flower.

The wretched smell of a loveless home.

Yelling "checkmate"...handing my slippers to me when I come in from work.

Its like the infidelity that sits on back porches,

lurking in family courts

with blinded adults and taunted children.

Its whooping and hollering in its Sunday Best, taking my spirit,

giving my eardrums a run for their money.

Its making a mockery of me.

Its a different kind of post-traumatic stress that reverberates throughout my existence.

Popping wheelies along twisted vines, choking the breath out of my lungs.

Thick as if I added cornstarch.

Textbook heavy.

I never win the war and I get vanquished in the battle.

Its stifling my heartbeat...

staining the fabric of my dream catcher.

Subduing the fight against these tears....

Oddly, its the only constant I have right now.

The only thing I can count on.

Your absence is more apparent than I want it to be.