Today

So... I had some important stuff to do today. Started my day as normal...granola bar, fruit, iced chai tea...and I'm off. I went to the city as planned...and came back to Brooklyn.... starving. I stopped downtown...Court Street, actually. Got some chicken, rice, and salad from the Halal truck in front of Barnes & Noble. I decided to stroll....

Found myself under the Brooklyn Bridge. Its beautiful. A small park-like area with benches. I found an empty one and sat down. Took off my shoes and blazer...perched my big legs up on the bench and took in the breeze from the water.

I sat there for a minute...almost as if in a trance.. Food on my lap...sweat nowhere to be found...purse on the ground. I sat and sat...then it happened... Almost as if it were just waiting for me to give some kinda approval. Tears... not just any tears... like a floodgate opened. I couldn't stop. They stared trickling down my face slowly. Then they began to congregate in the creases of my neck as if there was a meeting I wasn't aware of. I didn't know what was going on...still don't.. but I cried like a baby. Hard....

Why do I feel this way? Why am I still carrying around these last fucking 40 lbs. like I owe them something? No one cares. What about when I need a place to swim? Where's my constant? What about when I'm not sure? No one ever hears me..Why did she not care enough about herself? She has 3 kids she left behind. I need my mother. My heart hurts. Why did he leave me alone to do this by myself? The cruelest thing ever... Why do they say one thing and mean another? Why do they all have to be mean and call it something else? Why did this fucking doctor have to tell me about those cells on my cervix last year? I didn't wanna know. She coulda kept that shit to her fucking self! Bitch! How come the minute I give a little thought to someone..they step all over it as if its not there? Why do I always have to come fucking second? Fuck that!! Why have I been alone for so long? Why do i always feel outta the loop? Feeling so hurt...can't even say why...

That's what I was thinking...the various thoughts that ran through my head. I don't why they came like that... but they left just as suddenly as they came. After a while, my face dried and I became preoccupied with the big bird that was flying a bit too close for my comfort. I looked down at my food that sat on my lap. Opened the carton and slowly ate. People-watched. Felt vulnerable. Wasn't sure if anyone saw me.

I felt a bit better.

Common Ground

Today...I posted something on Twitter...and it got the tweets rolling. But when I said it..I was just talking and I didn't realize how deep it was until other began to recognize it.

Everyone's love has different parameters

Isn't this the truest thing ever?

Sometimes...people need to hear this. Singles complain about their other half "not getting them". There are often miscommunications of intent and expectations. This is where there must be open honesty. Not even so much with the other party, but even moreso with ourselves. Everyone's love has different parameters. People show how they feel in different ways. The small things to you may be a big step for someone else. They may be going through their own human revolution, trying to find and expand their life to include you in it.

And sometimes, people's affection has different languages. Some people like physical touch, some folks are a bit more vocal. For some its quality time. I knew someone who was like the latter. He just wanted to be in his girlfriend's presence...just her being in the house while he watches the game or something...he was good. I personally have a mixture...but I think I'm more vocal than anything. I communicate what I think and feel.

The key is to find someone who speaks your language. The word love is relative. One's love may not look the same as the next. So, we must find someone who looks similar to us...or someone who can respect the look and feel of our love.

Minutes of a Meeting

just wanna sit with you...
stare and it not be awkward.
breathe in your company.
read your eyes.
think your thoughts.
ask how your day was.
watch you...be.
learn.
we can sip your favorite tea.
draw silly faces.
you'll be comfortable and safe.
i'ma tell you some secrets.
you won't judge.
we've known each other for longer than we actually know.
other things won't matter.
unspoken things will be mentioned.
some things we won't even have to say.
enjoying.
so intimate.
falling into place.
jokes.
smiles.
not planned.
more freedom than i've had in a while.
gratitude in my eyes.
dope.
so dope.
breathing new breath.
finishing each others sentences in our heads.
understanding.
just..... right.
basking in the moment at hand.
i'm not over-thinking.
sweet.
relaxed.
maybe i'll make a meal.
maybe we'll order out.
thoughts pour out.
some scrabble and wine.
i care more now than i did before.
bliss.
you look at me differently.
where have you been?
i've missed you.
maybe a kiss.
no pressure.
just long overdue.
maybe i'll just lay with you.
pick out stars.
rest a bit.
sit in comfortable silence.
let all of you seep into my pores.
you'll wear me like a quote on the tip of your tongue.
just.
be.
with.
you.

Untitled

Time lost...wiggling around in uncomfortable skin
Missing a piece of my heart that I never had
Feeling caged in by selectively forgotten memories
Held captive by emotions subdued by time
Feeling as if the lonely nights are tenants now
They've become familiar like the paint on my walls
Bold in hue
The emptiness plays a drum roll for me
Asking me about my day
I'm living with absence and heartbreak
I'm co-existing with someone else's failure, making it my own
Proactive in defeat
Beaten up and downtrodden by disappointment
Bells ringing because I've lost the fight...so tired
Wondering if I have one more in me
Because this alone thing ain't cutting it

Reminder....THIS IS A REPOST!!!!!

Someone said this was her favorite so I promised I would re-post it...For Gina

Its the center of an eye,
dark and unfavorable...
Engulfed by color, jealous, unable to resist.
The muddy waters that surround a Lotus flower.
The wretched smell of a loveless home.
Yelling "checkmate"...handing my slippers to me when I come in from work.
Its like the infidelity that sits on back porches,
lurking in family courts
with blinded adults and taunted children.
Its whooping and hollering in its Sunday Best, taking my spirit,
giving my eardrums a run for their money.
Its making a mockery of me.
Its a different kind of post-traumatic stress that reverberates throughout my existence.
Popping wheelies along twisted vines, choking the breath out of my lungs.
Thick as if I added cornstarch.
Textbook heavy.
I never win the war and I get vanquished in the battle.
Its stifling my heartbeat...
staining the fabric of my dream catcher.
Subduing the fight against these tears....
Oddly, its the only constant I have right now.
The only thing I can count on.
Your absence is more apparent than I want it to be.

Video blog coming soon!!!

Reunion

Not me or you
Simply and abstractly us
Loving the complexity of this feeling that I sang about in my shower
I had called out for you aching in fury
Looked for you on thrones, in flowers, at the bottom of oceans...in my own reflection
I put my feet in your good leather shoes...
Walked around....
In a trance...
Tracing your steps, sniffing the sheets you slept on.
Can't even begin to find the means to say....
Continuing right where we left off...this isn't awkward at all
We were never apart
You never left
You dwelled in the places I don't have the courage to mention
Telling old jokes followed by new smiles
Being safe in a smile that stretches across lifetimes
Cool like iced chamomile on tar beach
Sweet like peach flesh
I'd missed you for longer than I'm gonna say