Avoiding missing you.
Conjuring ways to make the idea of you and I submit to the dormant layers of my thoughts.
I'm unsuccessful every time.
I'm trying not to ask anything of you.
Scared to ask you to stay...so soon.
I stand astonished at my willingness to share so much.
Restraining myself from locking the door behind you.
I'm taking leaps and strides directed toward your good graces,
Landing in a kiss that's bred to sparkle and enchant a disillusioned heart....
A kiss that sits patiently next to all that matters to me.
I practiced how I'd invite back before you even left the first time.
All of my cards are on the table...
A touch so definite...
Eyes that are knowing and confident enough to call my bluffs..
I notice your confidence as I watch you raise the stakes with every just-for-nothing text.
I'm in a place I promised myself I'd never be
With no regrets in sight.
I'm appreciative of you every time.

I have to erase you.
Cease these violent truths with gentle ends,
Turn my head and not imagine you asking for a steady return.
I'm asking for scientific and figurative impossibilities.
I need you to stop mattering.
Stop being...here.
No more rendezvous in my subconscious
Self-inflicting this sure loss...
Losing the war when I permit you to my chambers.
The past glory of your affection can no longer grant you asylum here.
Your absence and your presence are co-existing
Playing on my sanity.
I'm routing for a team that's not even playing anymore.
As much as I need you....
I need you to go

You are as real to me as the vows I took.
Your form becomes true and real when you whisper my name.
I thought you'd never come.
I've dug through the rubble of a fire I thought was extinguished,
Sifted through the debris of lies and "never again"s.
We connect as if we've been looking for one another.
You're my missing artifact.
You laugh when I hum tunes you don't know.
You're amazed at how comfortable we are in silence.
We promised forever and that's what I'm giving.
I am living for this commitment.
I am breathing life into flowers, notes, and candles.
Every nerve impulse dedicated to new ways of exceeding your expectations.
I am mimicking you.
I felt special when you chose me.
I still sleep in my white dress...
You're always here, dwelling in between whats real and what keeps me warm.
You are my "husband-in-my-head"
And I continue to share my forever with you.

Incomplete

Escaping the melodramatic reality of solidarity
Feeling like half....
Not enough...
Maybe three quarters.
Falling short of worthiness....not able.

Cup half empty
Leaving you thirsty although you'll never say.
I'm sorry.
I'll walk in circles...
Trace my steps to find the ground I forgot to touch
Find the words I was supposed to say
Figure out my mistake
Find my way back to you.
I'm lost
Insufficient
Obsolete
Frivolous
Jaded
I'm just so.....without you.
I was thinking my heart's abundance sealed the holes...
Filled your vacancies
Maybe I never came close.
I'm too presumptuous that way.
I wasn't enough.

Finally... You're Here

I'm still excited as if you continue to happen...
Like a recurrence....
I linger on your spurts of existence that never take leave
Entangled in the wings of butterflies born upon your majesty.
You continue to be
As if your breath thrives on the strength of your grip on my sanity.
Always something different but the same to me.
Standing where I've been for months....still.
I wait in moments that have already expired...but appear again as new.
Foolishly believing I'd changed...
I held onto you...
Adding personality to my daydreams
I wait for what seems like countless kalpas
The stroke of your hair lends merit to the minutes.
I'll stand diligent for as long as it takes.
You're better than you know.
So special that it's fact...absolute.
I think it's dope that you get me.
We've become each other's solutions.
So beautiful
*Sigh*
I miss you before you say goodbye.

While You Were Sleeping 2

Up before you
I watch patiently....
Hovering like a new parent
Stealing kisses
Keeping tabs like a warden would...
Concerned....
In rapture...
Awake as if missing something,
Making sure you're really here
For I have daydreamed about these moments.
Upset that I wasted time on sleep in the first place.
Watching....
Wondering if you understand the risk I'm willing to take
The measures I'm capable of pushing just to keep you here...
I'm respecting you.
Watching....
Pushing my hope to the back burner
Rejection forcing me to relish in the present moment.
I am keeping the "I Love You"s on the curve of my lip
Hoping you'll taste them
Sweet as simple syrup
Just as I remember and long overdue.
I miss you more than it may be appropriate to say.
I'm up before you...
Savoring the now
Observing you in your solace
And now....for just right now...I have mine.