Secondary Love

I stood in the dark and waited.
My eyes turned blue with anticipation
that knew its length of stay.
It chuckled at me, but I didn't hear.
I set up a kingdom in my cove
with the law set by the beat of my heart.
The city walls were impenetrable
and bound by the steadfastness of my admiration
The furies sat on my shoulder and sang a song.
They played chords of agony and regret, noted neglected and betrayed.
I wasn't paying attention.

I stood in the dark and waited,
Reflecting on the spaces you filled,
new heights reached... lying dormant in the mouth of absence.
My heart grew fonder by the minute.
I was for you and you for me.
The night wasn't cold in my kingdom
Because my bed whispered trails of your scent.
I basked in them... I knew you would come.

I stood in the dark and waited.
Joy crept up when I heard your footsteps.
My shoulders felt warm when I heard you dancing.
But the walls of my kingdom crumbled when you were dancing with someone else.

Finally, my ears were wide open. I'm not waiting.

Black Serenade

I'm throwing away my IPod.
These tracks understand my fears all too well...
Alarming...
Don't wanna be reminded of a love that doesn't whisper my name in the night.
Don't wanna moisten a new pillow with old tears.
Listening to a future me, pissed at my mistakes.
Too smart for that.
I'm listening to these wretched love songs
Waiting for comfort hidden in the break of a note,
or a kiss that fills my dreams, torturing me.
Listening to lives that aren't mine,
Re-enacting them under my eyelids when sleep subdues me.
I'm jumping into an empty bed with a phantom.
Getting fucked by my hang-ups,
I sleep with them and make tea when its early.
Waking up alone....
I'm not ready to face the void that awaits in my reality.
Comfort in cowardice...
Never present
Always dismissed into a warped compartment of my heart
Serenaded by Track # 10.

Filling Holes

Bridging the gap
Answers to questions I didn't know I had
I'm so grateful.
I wasn't sure I could do it, but I'm doing it better than most.
Everyone knew it couldn't be done, but they won't write it the congratulatory cards.
I'm too fierce.
I'm finally proud of myself.
Sitting in the dew of a whole bunch of NO's
I exemplify a yes that's possible, even when I never thought it was.
Finding out more than I need to know...
Filling holes I didn't know existed
Uncovering the ones I wanted to hide
Almost embarrassed of my growth.... LOL

I'm Back!!!!

So much....to say......

But I will....soon!!!!!

Hey Muze and Xoxo.....

Untitled

This yearn is so exact and never failing,
Omnipotent in its reign.
I'm painting you with an immeasurable amount of color
But still can't get the hue of your face.
At night, you become my sleep aid.
During the day, you give shape to my purpose that I couldn't see.
I'm still not sure of how you look.
A love that doesn't exist in my everyday...
Words missing from my vernacular...
Missing an incomplete thought...
Dangling in amazement by the scent that lingers on my sheets.
When you come, I'll build you a fortress.
The valiance of my anticipation will build one for me.
You'll figure that everything before was just preparation for this.
My mistakes will be perfected into bouts of romance.
You'll know I love you.
It'll be forever...

Dreaming Craziness

OK... so after my nightly ritual, the VP debate, and finally catching We Own the Night and No Country For Old Men (yea, I was up pretty late last night), my big eyes finally closed and I slept like a baby. But I had one of the most craziest dreams ever and I just HAD to share.

I need feedback, but not everyone knows the full situation, but.... OH WELL........



So, I was invited to a wedding. Not just any wedding, but his wedding. Of course I was reluctant to go. I decided I would go, but apparently I waited too long to send in my RSVP.

He called me.

I didn't wanna hear his voice. He didn't know exactly what he could make me do with it. Then again, I think he did.

me: Hey, stranger!??
Him: Whatever... did you get what I sent you?
me: What?.... Oh yeah, I got it. Congratulations.
Him: Yeah, thanks. So you comin'.
me: If you let me...
Him: I am that's why I sent the invitation. (laughing, obviously ignoring the banter, asshole)
me: Of course, I'm coming. Why wouldn't I?
Him: Oh, alright. Just checking. Well I'ma take this as your RSVP. I'll see you there.
CLICK!!!

I don't remember the wedding, but I remember being at the reception. It was the first time I ever saw his "significant other". Yuck...You could tell she was a very warm person and she loved him, but she wasn't a looker and she was like 10 lbs. heavier than me. Great, now the reason all the answers to my questions have a heartbeat. *SIGH* In the dream I was like 20 lbs. lighter than I am now. Yay!! And you know I had to come to this event CORRECT!!! I noticed him staring at me during the reception. Didn't know what was behind the eyes. I never do. We hadn't seen each other in a while. I just wanted to talk to him. Not about anything mushy, but just talk to him about something...anything. Like it used to be. I was there alone and I left alone. He didn't even come over and say thanks for coming. But at the same time, he wasn't acting all smitten with his new wife. Hmmmm. I just realized that.

Then, the dream morphed into something else. I remember he came to my house with one of his friends. Why???.... I couldn't even begin to tell you. Dreams are weird. He said my apt. was cozy and he liked it. I could tell he felt comfortable. Something about his demeanor. He started complimeting me on my taste, my vinyl records, old black and white pics...the way I decorated. Then, a weird look came across his face and he just stared at me. I knew what he was thinking. Seeing me in my own element gave me a different face. A face that at one point he wanted to see.
Next we were in his car. I sat in the back seat with his son. This man has no kids that I know of and I don't know of a car. I don't know what the hell I was doing there or where we were going, but there I was in dreamland. He kept telling his son about the candy, but he snuck it in his mouth anyway. We hit a bump and I guess the morsel went down the wrong pipe or something. The boy started coughing and gagging. From the driver's seat, I could see sheer terror, but we were on the Belt Parkway doing way above the speed limit and pulling over wasn't an option. So, being a mom (my son was nowhere in this dream), I just put the kid at a 45-degree angle (so cavalier... like a mommy-expert) and banged on his back until the damn candy shot out. But first, the kid had to throw up on my hand. Ill... But I wasn't upset in the dream... I was cool about it. We drove to a hotel (I don't know why) to clean up and get some rest. I could tell that the little one's incident still startled him. We checked in, put the kid to sleep, and just stood at the table. He came over and asked me for a hug. ASKED ME FOR A HUG??? Now you know I was dreaming. Some people just don't do certain things. Its not that they don't want to. They just don't go about them like that. That man hugged me so tight, I could hear the blood calmly travel through his veins. I could hear the organs in his body operate, checking each other. At that point I didn't care why he did it. I just breathed in his scent. No cologne... just his skin. He looked down at me and said, "Thank You". So tender and real. I didn't reply. I didn't need to. We just stayed like that for a while.

That's all I remember.

Ok... So why did I dream about him? No, I wasn't thinking about him before I went to sleep. Maybe on a deeper level, was I? Nawwwww.....
I must admit that on another level, I thought that one moment he'd wake up and smell the coffee. I read too much into things that may not be signals at all. But maybe they could be...
Was I fooling myself? Is this dream wishful thinking of my inner self... or a bad omen... or just a dream? Its been so long. Some people will never stop invading your heart, your thoughts. I was a kid, now a grown up...and he's still here.

I get caught in between a stare that lasted too long
and a heart that doesn't
say my name.

On The Brink

Hmmmm???? Maybe I shouldn't even entertain it? I dunno......

Reminder

Its the center of an eye,

dark and unfavorable...

Engulfed by color, jealous, unable to resist.

The muddy waters that surround a Lotus flower.

The wretched smell of a loveless home.

Yelling "checkmate"...handing my slippers to me when I come in from work.

Its like the infidelity that sits on back porches,

lurking in family courts

with blinded adults and taunted children.

Its whooping and hollering in its Sunday Best, taking my spirit,

giving my eardrums a run for their money.

Its making a mockery of me.

Its a different kind of post-traumatic stress that reverberates throughout my existence.

Popping wheelies along twisted vines, choking the breath out of my lungs.

Thick as if I added cornstarch.

Textbook heavy.

I never win the war and I get vanquished in the battle.

Its stifling my heartbeat...

staining the fabric of my dream catcher.

Subduing the fight against these tears....

Oddly, its the only constant I have right now.

The only thing I can count on.

Your absence is more apparent than I want it to be.

Throw In The Towel

No matter what I say, you're never gonna understand.
So caught up in blame, refusing to see your guilt.
Maybe you're incapable of it.
I could chant my truth 'till I'm blue in the face
show and prove my worth,
But it will not be enough. You ain't budging.
Your way or the highway? Well, I'm packing up for a new tomorrow.
You're not as cute as you used to be
The view distorts as often as you tear me down to the white meat.
Even when you tell the truth,
you're still lying.
Truth is relative...
Your observation isn't mine.
You're not as together as you think you are.

You're as unavailable as an icicle in the shade of the Sahara.
The distance is as loud as the thumping between my legs.
I think you're deaf while I watch you wear headphones.

You create this struggle for the hopefuls.
When they stop climbing, you reason it with them "not really wanting it anyway"
How sad... luring 'em in with a feast
Then holding these hungry souls arm-distance away.
You're mean.

You wear me out like tennis shoes...
I'm so tired of trying to win you
I know now that I was defeated from the start.

I never had a chance... those don't come with the package.

You just didn't tell me.

You're so unavailable.....

You say you're looking for me, but you're shut virgin tight.

Your sorrow and unaddressed emotions are taking the place of anything that could ever be.

So what would be ideal?

You say you want love,

but you want a punching bag....

It ends up being a contest among those who can take the most hits.

The ref is counting me out.

He's past one and I'm not getting up.

On your advertisement, I thought I read gentle...

You wrote that?

You were being honest...

But truth is relative... your observation may not be mine.

I can't do this anymore.

I wish you could see

It's not them... it's so you.

A Day for Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIANCA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trapped

Tides shifted and tears dried
While I sat picking up the pieces.
This is so dangerous.
I just want to understand something that's intelligible.
Now I'm forced to re-evaluate my own sanity.
These walls are unfamiliar and cruel.
It stinks in here...
So played out.
The contrast between what was and what actually is has taken my mind for a joyride.
It hasn't returned... I declared my mind lost a long time ago.
It's getting so tight
I can smell the person right outside...
Taunting me.
This box is cold and dry with not an ounce of mercy.

On The Brink

Not yes and not no
Free and still kept
I'm not exactly sure yet...
Think I'm in love but there's no one there
I have to stop falling for invisible souls.
When they're tangible, the heartbreak becomes that much more real.
This disappointment shapes itself out.
I put an ugly face to a beautiful thing.
I'm on my tippy-toes reaching
with anvils at my heels.
Some look from afar and assume I'm stretching my life across a plain.
Don't they know I'm on the brink?
I enjoyed a sunset once.
I tasted that night air and it licked me back like I were covered in pineapples.
I was in rapture until I woke up..upside down.
I'll mold that night into something definite
Until I can own up to my reality.
I get caught in between a stare that lasted too long and a heart that doesn't say my name.
He told me of words
I thought it would be a love letter, professing things hidden
But it was so random I wanted to forget the words I read as I read them.
I bit my lip for getting so excited.
I'm so selfish.
I'm so caught in between everything.
In the thick of a gray area I swore never existed.
Not yes and not no.
Free and still kept.
An invisible man torments me with his loud and abrasive absence.
I'm always on the brink.
But its not my fault... and not yours either.

He's All That

He knows who he is. He'll act as if he doesn't. Might brush it off (which will probably be the case). But at the end of it all, he knows where I stand, even if he'll never admit it to me. Not a dedication, but he was definitely on my mind.


I thought I saw colors and smelled lillies
Until his smile was the only thing shining back at me.
It was one of those things that make people believe in God;
those things that little girls write about in tattered journals and pink diaries,
later to talk about in vows.
He epitomized lipstick and perfume for women and discreet envy for men,
but for me, he's more...
They said he moved,
but I saw him glide
and I sat in the shade of his brow as his stride destroyed concentration.

I caressed the ego I put in place
and let him say what he wanted to,
because I sat on the words that he dangled in front of me.
I opened my mouth to taste them.
They reminded me of the cinnamon in peach cobbler.
Delicate like evaporated milk...
They satisfied my hunger and I feasted on them for weeks.
I waited for a breath from time to time just to smell what gave shape to his mouth.
I wondered how it tasted...
how it would feel sitting under the goosebumps on my neck if he happened to get too close.
He talked about memories and he talked about me.
His humility permeated though my hair
so I carved his face out on the stone that was my adoration for him.

I thought I heard harps and tasted sunbursts
but it was him sitting on a throne sipping on wine that he called my ecstasy.
My vision became infused with the wish of the present
and I woke up only to see you next to me.

The Mother in Me

For me, the hardest thing I have ever had to do was be a mother. Not just be a mother, but dedicate my life to the welfare of another human being who cannot fight for himself. I have to be his warrior and his protector. I'm always learning. New layers form and I see the depth of who I am... a person I didn't know I could be. I am different now. I thought I knew what sacrifice was, but now it has become so clear to me. Before my son, I lived so carelessly... I travelled with nothing, spent money like I was a 2nd generation Rockerfeller, and did any and everything I wanted. I have to learn to stop living in the past. The fact of the matter is that Yusef is here now. I am a different person now.
Now is a time when I need so much direction. I need a hug and someone to tell me I'm doing a good job. I need comfort. I'm so tired. TIRED. I'm lonely and I divulge myself in trying. Trying to do what? I'm not sure. All my steps feel like trudging. Everything feels difficult... like I'm stuck in quicksand all the time. I can't get out and I have a load on my back. He can't swim. I have no training. I miss love. I need my mother in the worst way. The "watching over you" speech isn't working right now. This isn't about me. It's about someone who hasn't learned to tell me if his food is too warm or his blanket isn't tight enough. Its about someone who can't tell me if I'm fucking up or not.
I'm still a woman with needs. So how do I let someone new in? How would I let him in to my biggest insecurities and still look him in the eye. How do I know that he would even be looking at me the same way he did before? How could I say that I'm so upset with myself for my mishaps as a mom let alone even becoming one. Where would I find the words to tell him about my fear of being "one of those who fell by the wayside"? How do I say that this life that I'm living isn't my own, but someone else's? Sounds crazy and shallow... but honest. I'm always trying.
I want to be the best I mom I can be, but I always ask myself about the possibilities of that happening. I'm not sure. Actually, I'm never sure. I'm tired, fed up, hungry, and at my limit more times than enjoying the babbling of my 1 yr. old. I feel so alone and closed. Hurting...

They say it'll get better. When?

Funk

When it rains, it's really a hailstorm on my side of town. But I've got an umbrella.

Too Proud

I remember a kiss that spoke to me. It told me of something new and promised. The passion it encompassed matched my reverence for his touch. I miss the embrace I felt then.
His scent wasn't familiar, but captivating enough to keep my yearn fresh. It lingered in the space under my nose, so I saved it. I use it to tap into that time for occasions like this.

A tender moment... Something genuine, honest, comfortable. I needed that.

I remember those piercing eyes gazing into mine. I escaped the desire to try to read them. In those moments of rapture, it didn't matter what was behind them. I knew the basics. He was top-shelf, and I was new to luxury.

All he needed was that first time to make an addict. I don't want rehab. I just want another fix.

But I guess not. I'm hiding my habit.

Passenger

So tender, fresh, ignored...
I looked at her and saw my reflection,
tattered, worn, hurt, waiting.
I wanted to tell her how OK it would be,
but I had respect for her.
She asked me, "Why?" ... as if I had the answers in a confidential folder.
Her pride caused her chest to rise as if someone forbade to do otherwise in these situations.
An attempt of dignity came.
She walked away and told me she's going to find her salvation.
Her swollen belly glistened with innocence.

I wanted to tell her about the blank mission she was embarking on.
I wanted to tell her she was looking in the wrong direction.
I wanted to warn her about the blisters on her feet that were to come.
I wanted to hold her hand on this journey, but my feet were sore too.

She would soon find an unmatchable inner strength.
Soon, the walk's purpose would change.
Her smile would resurface with the embrace of her unborn.
She'll ask me, " What about me?"
I'll just wonder for her as I do for myself.
Where's my safety net?
No one ever catches me.
What if I'm not sure?
So, is this it?.... Stick it out?
No one's listening.
No one ever is.

I held her hand and walked with her.

Layers

I don't pop my gum.
My earrings aren't smashed, nor do they have a scandalous phrase etched on them.
I don't wear sneakers everyday.
Red Lobster isn't 5-star.
I can buy my own drinks, but yours taste good too.
I don't speak too loudly.
I'll see you for what you are before you even begin to get a glimpse of me.
Love isn't dead.
I'm very coachable.
I love mangoes and pineapples.
I'm sad that blacks aren't marrying anymore.
I love hard...real hard.
I'm not a gold digger.
I know when to say no.
I know when to apologize and I don't feel any less for doing so.
I don't need your opinion to validate mine.
When I get nervous and I smile or rub lotion on my hands.
I'm not a bitch all the time.
I work best under pressure.
I have so much to learn.
I'll try almost anything at least once.
Men are different from women and that's OK.
I have more than one favorite color.
You won't know when it's my time of the month.
Everyone has innate good.
I'm always thirsty.
I'm passionate.
I'm not a big chocolate fan...well any candy for that matter.
I see more for others, even when they don't.
I love to laugh.
I've been hurt before and that's OK.
I don't spend all day shopping.
Veggies are cool.
Rap isn't my favorite kind of music.
I don't know the lingo.
Terry McMillan isn't the only author I know.
My lips swell in the morning.
I don't perm my hair.
I don't wear a weave.
I don't wear contacts.
Marrying rich isn't my goal.
Your car type doesn't appeal to me.
Intelligent dudes are sexy.
I refrain from labelling.
I'm a great listener.
I miss old friends.
I get red in the summer.
There's nothing like sand in between your toes.
I'm beautiful.
I'm learning patience.
I want to see everything I can.
I can swim, and I'm not afraid to get my hair wet.
I don't eat fried chicken and habichuelas everyday.
I like polenta and risotto (not together of course).
My way isn't the only way.
I don't snap my fingers and suck my teeth.
I give second chances.
I'm proud of Barack Obama.
I always try to look at the bigger picture.
I miss my mother.

Coming Soon!!!

I've never shared certain parts of who I am with anyone. But now, I am learning to find comfort, therapy even, in opening up my world. I always thought that no one could understand. When you begin to open yourself up, you allow others to see you in a different light that you may not have wanted to be shone upon you. You allow others to make assumptions regarding your character and what you're capable of. You begin to look different to them. So I keep quiet.
Recently, I shared a part of my "story" (that's what he called it) with one of the smartest people I know. Surprisingly, he urged me to get it out, despite my reservations. I looked at his eyes through his glasses and wanted a pair so he could just see through mine.
But here I am. I'm gonna take heed to some good advice from one of the few people who make any sense to me.
Maybe I'll make sense to someone else. Maybe I won't.

Tastes Good To Me

There's solace in my heart today. I just feel like everything is well. Something is good. I have no idea what yet, but I feel gorgeous. The sun is shining and I think its just for me. Its making me feel good. I asked for Her to stay with me.
Rejuvenation....
For a while, I've been waiting for this. I feel unstoppable. My skin is thick and soft. Anything I want is not only attainable, but may be right around the corner.
I'm not thinking about the bad stuff. All is too well. I'm smiling inside, but not to hold back tears this time.
Its so nice. I don't know where this burst of tranquility is coming from, but I don't feel to inquisitive today. Besides, when I see me benefit, I'm not asking questions. No mistakes, no coincidences, or accidents. I know just how exact the universe is.