Untitled so far ....

I know I'ma add onto this at some point....

I'm trying to make sense of this familiar emotion
I'ma let it engulf my thoughts and questions, hold on for dear life.
I miss this feeling, this escape, this flutter, the confusion, the signals, a smile that could take me anytime.
My only regret is that none of my sonnets, phrases, breaths, or anything else I create
Could even begin to sound like your HELLO...
Too much to digest all at once
I have to dissect you, take you in doses like an elixir.
You're so beautiful.
I thought of you more than I should have
While you were actively forgetting me.
So unexpectedly...
Almost as if I'm smelling sunlight and tanning in perfume.
I am thinking of you.
Sweet and mysterious with distance kept and a guard hired.
I wonder if my skin is strong enough.
Can it withstand the purity of your honesty...
or the clarity of another teardrop?

Confessions of a Side-Piece...(title edited)

Am I a secret?
Do you mention me when it matters most?
Does my kiss stay with you when time forbids our union?
I wonder if I'm stuck in the embrace of a lie or if I'm kept safe with secrets shared on a pillow.
Is my heart coveted in whispers
or is my name carved on the steps to your front door?
Ringing loud and clear?
Reigning omnipresent?
Murmurs in night shadows?
Taboo thoughts?
Are you wearing my smile on your lips?
Does it hold office in dismissed emotion to be unnoticed or untouched like fine China?
Do you make mockery of my favorable person among jesters in my absence?
Would you give my feeling occasion when your whereabouts are vague?
Am I to dwell in ambiguity?
You haven't called?
Am I not enough?

Date Night

I wrote this after thinking about a bad date a few months ago. Nothing happened, but I got a little imaginative.


I stare at you with a closed eye
While we secretly anticipate the moments.
I try to will myself out of a mistake.
I don't want to be here.... with you.
I don't know you....no chemistry...I'm going with a "flow" that isn't there.
You kiss my shoulder
And whisper your intentions in my ear.
I hear another song...another voice.
We engage and I push the regret to another room to sit with my loneliness.
Visions of another love emblazon my mind.
He crept in my dreams and danced with me while I was with you.
I don't make the time to feel sorry.
I don't allow the chance to come clean.
I'm too occupied with his face to look at yours.
I miss him more than I want to admit.
I robbed him of his fire when I walked in here.
I don't like you.
He doesn't love me.
I play myself and I know it.
But my mind gets cleansed with his face.
When we touch, the components of the "we" change.
They have to or else I can't do it.
A part of me is sorry,
And the other part is sipping a tropical drink.
I am with you and I escape to a lost moment.
Watching a movie under my eyelids.
I found it tucked under a pouted lip when you asked me out.
My dreams make him a whore.
I feel silly and out of place.
I know where I belong.
This first time with you is was a second, third and fourth with him.
You won't get that luxury.
I'm leaving before you notice.
It's not you...it's me.
I'm not calling you later or ever.
I'll be too busy waiting for his call.

Yusef

I don't really post about my son or my career. Someone pulled my card about that recently. I just figured that my blog should be about whatever I want it to be. I should post about whatever I want to. And my son isn't the topic of my adult thought. But I decided that he does open up a different side of me. He reflects change, expansion, and progress. I never thought I could be a mother. Doubt myself all the time. I'm entirely too selfish. But everynow and then, I think to myself. I realize that he's still standing. He eats normal kids his age under the table and still weighs 3-5 lbs. less than they do. And he's smarter than some of the adults I know. But one thing I know... I'm not sure who taught this kid the stuff he knows, but if he tells me to go to the kitchen one more time, I'ma sell him on eBay.



So here's my son, Yusef.













He loves Elmo. It was kinda inevitable. I think he thinks Elmo is his kid brother. He's always feeding him and putting him to bed.







Yeah, he thinks he's all that. If you tell him he's cute, he doesn't say thank you. He bats his eyes like Bettey Boop.
A shame....







We play sometimes....





And we stare each other down....





And he plays music....whether I like it or not




So that's him....

Secondary Love

I stood in the dark and waited.
My eyes turned blue with anticipation
that knew its length of stay.
It chuckled at me, but I didn't hear.
I set up a kingdom in my cove
with the law set by the beat of my heart.
The city walls were impenetrable
and bound by the steadfastness of my admiration
The furies sat on my shoulder and sang a song.
They played chords of agony and regret, noted neglected and betrayed.
I wasn't paying attention.

I stood in the dark and waited,
Reflecting on the spaces you filled,
new heights reached... lying dormant in the mouth of absence.
My heart grew fonder by the minute.
I was for you and you for me.
The night wasn't cold in my kingdom
Because my bed whispered trails of your scent.
I basked in them... I knew you would come.

I stood in the dark and waited.
Joy crept up when I heard your footsteps.
My shoulders felt warm when I heard you dancing.
But the walls of my kingdom crumbled when you were dancing with someone else.

Finally, my ears were wide open. I'm not waiting.

Black Serenade

I'm throwing away my IPod.
These tracks understand my fears all too well...
Alarming...
Don't wanna be reminded of a love that doesn't whisper my name in the night.
Don't wanna moisten a new pillow with old tears.
Listening to a future me, pissed at my mistakes.
Too smart for that.
I'm listening to these wretched love songs
Waiting for comfort hidden in the break of a note,
or a kiss that fills my dreams, torturing me.
Listening to lives that aren't mine,
Re-enacting them under my eyelids when sleep subdues me.
I'm jumping into an empty bed with a phantom.
Getting fucked by my hang-ups,
I sleep with them and make tea when its early.
Waking up alone....
I'm not ready to face the void that awaits in my reality.
Comfort in cowardice...
Never present
Always dismissed into a warped compartment of my heart
Serenaded by Track # 10.

Filling Holes

Bridging the gap
Answers to questions I didn't know I had
I'm so grateful.
I wasn't sure I could do it, but I'm doing it better than most.
Everyone knew it couldn't be done, but they won't write it the congratulatory cards.
I'm too fierce.
I'm finally proud of myself.
Sitting in the dew of a whole bunch of NO's
I exemplify a yes that's possible, even when I never thought it was.
Finding out more than I need to know...
Filling holes I didn't know existed
Uncovering the ones I wanted to hide
Almost embarrassed of my growth.... LOL