Sudden Solitude

Daunting silence.
The steadiness of your breath.
Chest heaving...up and down.
I'm watching a sleeping ghost.
Closing my eyes, using my fingers to trace the lines of your face.
Addressing the cold spot on the other side of the bed.
Reading old messages,
Remembering sweet nothings,
Existing in a new realm of self-torture.
Bathing in puddles of tears.
Keeping broken appearances, lying to myself.
Stationed by a dead phone, uninhabited rooms, empty windows...
Made a mockery of by an uneventful caller ID.
One-sided conversations with picture mail...
I'm pitiful,
But not ashamed...
Sending cosmic energy
Wrapping my arms around you despite your absence.
I've never left...
I made promises that I now uphold to a phantom.
My heart was always ten steps ahead of forever.
It was in paradise with you.

I'm With You

You can find me sitting under icy stars...
Connecting the dots, making a face that's emblazoned across my home.
Find me sniffing the sheets
Savoring the moments for just another minute
Putting my head across your chest,
In awe of the musical agreement our heartbeats have decided upon.
I preserve you like ripe fruit and spread you thick to nourish my past.
I sustain you in the heart that's been missing.
I tried not to let you seep into my skin...
Begged your eyes not to call out my transparency
But you showed no clemency....
For once, I wasn't so lucky...but its fine.
Taking my common sense for high ransom
And I don't mind.
I'm putting my feet in your shoes
Filling the spaces with the passion of last night.
I think I get closer to you...
Holding high station in my existence
I am wearing you like religion on Sundays,
Reclining in deliverance.
You are the backbone and premise of my thoughts and everything I have to say
And I am standing in this emotion on stilts.
I'm walking on thick ice..
Walking around in that scene from a movie
Dancing in the rain
Digesting your thoughts, making them a part of me
I've dreamt of the good life, but I'm now basking in excellence.
I'm with you.

Husband

I proclaimed you the bearer of my torch.
I hold onto your arm proudly...not afraid of falling.
You encompass the knight my mother promised me,
Safeguarding my heart, granting my dad's wish.
I thank you with my vulnerability.
My gratitude is leaps beyond what you can begin to fathom.
So in tune with your heart that its sitting on mine
Perched like a sheltered hummingbird in the distance.
I have played our wedding a million times,
Tattooed my vows on a star-kissed path to enlightenment.
I retire in your sweet nothings...
Smooth like Beaujolais on the driest night in Dahab.
I am waiting for quiet sunsets on the back porch sipping iced tea
No words needed
Walks under tranquil willow trees
Old butterflies still flapping their wings

While You Were Sleeping

I'm staring at a resting savior...
Modest in his brow,
Lean in deceit or anything bad.
I am holding on with every ounce of who I am,
Watching the rise and fall of your chest, trying to mimic you.
I can only hope my breaths are that graceful.
These days they're staggered, restless, waiting for your call, staccato.
You're way too beautiful for me to just let you leave at the turn of light.
Maybe we were meant to be just like this.
I'm making up excuses to get me out of watching you leave.
Everything else never matters.
My hangups are precipitously disconnected with no room to breathe.
Your face is stapled under my eyelids and attached to my palm like a dingy love letter
Falling harder than a quarter from the top of a skyscraper....
For once, I'm not scared.

Maybe

something I can say I really feel...a real dedication


I've been thinking of the possibilities
About the "what if's"
These thoughts....
Awaken dormant thirsts
Exciting my taste buds...leaving them in awe of something new.
This is refreshing...even in its obscurity.
They tickle me in my downtime
Revoking my woe's iniquities.
I am thinking of you....
Entertaining beautiful scenarios without shape
Pressing my face against the imprint left in my mind, feeling closer to you
Escaping vulnerability, standing firmer in this feeling...this....awareness.
More than a crush...a prospect.
I am thinking of you.....
Smiling a smile I thought I lost
It has been aroused by the citings of a face I may never see.
I am wondering things I shouldn't.
I am wondering if you're doing the same.

Old Maid?

Feeling as if the lonely nights are tenants now
They've become familiar like the paint on my walls
Bold in hue
The emptiness plays a drum roll for me
Asking me about my day
I'm living with absence and heartbreak
I'm co-existing with someone else's failure, making it my own
Proactive in defeat
Beaten up and downtrodden by disappointment
Bells ringing because I've lost the fight...so tired
Wondering if I have one more in me
Because this alone thing ain't cutting it

Its amazing how things always have a tendency to come full circle.

Untitled

I have never seen anything so beauteous
Never been held so tight by a feeling
Keeping me company when I'm sequestered in dark thought
A nightlight
A glow that was whispered in the times of holding hands and steady pins
Giving shape to the breath that keeps me kicking
I love the way I find completion in the thought of you
The way you rock under my eyelids in the morning
And stay there to tell me goodnight
I owe you more than you're aware of
Standing as a protector of my heart when solitude was becoming probable
I wonder if you felt me probing the depths of poetic verses to find your face
I wonder if you noticed me disarm during a kiss that is still lasting under my skin
This is almost too real to be mine
Gratitude suspended in the spaces between my thoughts
You're better than perfect, wearing your scars in my pockets
You're superhuman....
Choking the life out of any uncertainty in my heart

Today

So... I had some important stuff to do today. Started my day as normal...granola bar, fruit, iced chai tea...and I'm off. I went to the city as planned...and came back to Brooklyn.... starving. I stopped downtown...Court Street, actually. Got some chicken, rice, and salad from the Halal truck in front of Barnes & Noble. I decided to stroll....

Found myself under the Brooklyn Bridge. Its beautiful. A small park-like area with benches. I found an empty one and sat down. Took off my shoes and blazer...perched my big legs up on the bench and took in the breeze from the water.

I sat there for a minute...almost as if in a trance.. Food on my lap...sweat nowhere to be found...purse on the ground. I sat and sat...then it happened... Almost as if it were just waiting for me to give some kinda approval. Tears... not just any tears... like a floodgate opened. I couldn't stop. They stared trickling down my face slowly. Then they began to congregate in the creases of my neck as if there was a meeting I wasn't aware of. I didn't know what was going on...still don't.. but I cried like a baby. Hard....

Why do I feel this way? Why am I still carrying around these last fucking 40 lbs. like I owe them something? No one cares. What about when I need a place to swim? Where's my constant? What about when I'm not sure? No one ever hears me..Why did she not care enough about herself? She has 3 kids she left behind. I need my mother. My heart hurts. Why did he leave me alone to do this by myself? The cruelest thing ever... Why do they say one thing and mean another? Why do they all have to be mean and call it something else? Why did this fucking doctor have to tell me about those cells on my cervix last year? I didn't wanna know. She coulda kept that shit to her fucking self! Bitch! How come the minute I give a little thought to someone..they step all over it as if its not there? Why do I always have to come fucking second? Fuck that!! Why have I been alone for so long? Why do i always feel outta the loop? Feeling so hurt...can't even say why...

That's what I was thinking...the various thoughts that ran through my head. I don't why they came like that... but they left just as suddenly as they came. After a while, my face dried and I became preoccupied with the big bird that was flying a bit too close for my comfort. I looked down at my food that sat on my lap. Opened the carton and slowly ate. People-watched. Felt vulnerable. Wasn't sure if anyone saw me.

I felt a bit better.

Common Ground

Today...I posted something on Twitter...and it got the tweets rolling. But when I said it..I was just talking and I didn't realize how deep it was until other began to recognize it.

Everyone's love has different parameters

Isn't this the truest thing ever?

Sometimes...people need to hear this. Singles complain about their other half "not getting them". There are often miscommunications of intent and expectations. This is where there must be open honesty. Not even so much with the other party, but even moreso with ourselves. Everyone's love has different parameters. People show how they feel in different ways. The small things to you may be a big step for someone else. They may be going through their own human revolution, trying to find and expand their life to include you in it.

And sometimes, people's affection has different languages. Some people like physical touch, some folks are a bit more vocal. For some its quality time. I knew someone who was like the latter. He just wanted to be in his girlfriend's presence...just her being in the house while he watches the game or something...he was good. I personally have a mixture...but I think I'm more vocal than anything. I communicate what I think and feel.

The key is to find someone who speaks your language. The word love is relative. One's love may not look the same as the next. So, we must find someone who looks similar to us...or someone who can respect the look and feel of our love.

Minutes of a Meeting

just wanna sit with you...
stare and it not be awkward.
breathe in your company.
read your eyes.
think your thoughts.
ask how your day was.
watch you...be.
learn.
we can sip your favorite tea.
draw silly faces.
you'll be comfortable and safe.
i'ma tell you some secrets.
you won't judge.
we've known each other for longer than we actually know.
other things won't matter.
unspoken things will be mentioned.
some things we won't even have to say.
enjoying.
so intimate.
falling into place.
jokes.
smiles.
not planned.
more freedom than i've had in a while.
gratitude in my eyes.
dope.
so dope.
breathing new breath.
finishing each others sentences in our heads.
understanding.
just..... right.
basking in the moment at hand.
i'm not over-thinking.
sweet.
relaxed.
maybe i'll make a meal.
maybe we'll order out.
thoughts pour out.
some scrabble and wine.
i care more now than i did before.
bliss.
you look at me differently.
where have you been?
i've missed you.
maybe a kiss.
no pressure.
just long overdue.
maybe i'll just lay with you.
pick out stars.
rest a bit.
sit in comfortable silence.
let all of you seep into my pores.
you'll wear me like a quote on the tip of your tongue.
just.
be.
with.
you.

Untitled

Time lost...wiggling around in uncomfortable skin
Missing a piece of my heart that I never had
Feeling caged in by selectively forgotten memories
Held captive by emotions subdued by time
Feeling as if the lonely nights are tenants now
They've become familiar like the paint on my walls
Bold in hue
The emptiness plays a drum roll for me
Asking me about my day
I'm living with absence and heartbreak
I'm co-existing with someone else's failure, making it my own
Proactive in defeat
Beaten up and downtrodden by disappointment
Bells ringing because I've lost the fight...so tired
Wondering if I have one more in me
Because this alone thing ain't cutting it

Reminder....THIS IS A REPOST!!!!!

Someone said this was her favorite so I promised I would re-post it...For Gina

Its the center of an eye,
dark and unfavorable...
Engulfed by color, jealous, unable to resist.
The muddy waters that surround a Lotus flower.
The wretched smell of a loveless home.
Yelling "checkmate"...handing my slippers to me when I come in from work.
Its like the infidelity that sits on back porches,
lurking in family courts
with blinded adults and taunted children.
Its whooping and hollering in its Sunday Best, taking my spirit,
giving my eardrums a run for their money.
Its making a mockery of me.
Its a different kind of post-traumatic stress that reverberates throughout my existence.
Popping wheelies along twisted vines, choking the breath out of my lungs.
Thick as if I added cornstarch.
Textbook heavy.
I never win the war and I get vanquished in the battle.
Its stifling my heartbeat...
staining the fabric of my dream catcher.
Subduing the fight against these tears....
Oddly, its the only constant I have right now.
The only thing I can count on.
Your absence is more apparent than I want it to be.

Video blog coming soon!!!

Reunion

Not me or you
Simply and abstractly us
Loving the complexity of this feeling that I sang about in my shower
I had called out for you aching in fury
Looked for you on thrones, in flowers, at the bottom of oceans...in my own reflection
I put my feet in your good leather shoes...
Walked around....
In a trance...
Tracing your steps, sniffing the sheets you slept on.
Can't even begin to find the means to say....
Continuing right where we left off...this isn't awkward at all
We were never apart
You never left
You dwelled in the places I don't have the courage to mention
Telling old jokes followed by new smiles
Being safe in a smile that stretches across lifetimes
Cool like iced chamomile on tar beach
Sweet like peach flesh
I'd missed you for longer than I'm gonna say

Senses..blabbering again

So.... I took a much needed vacation. Had some much needed fun. And now I'm back to reality.

I guess my time was so memorable because I haven't had a chance to just be me in such a long time. Being me...I always say that I am a different person now that I'm a mom. The person I was before still sits inside me...lurking. The Dominican Republic was all I needed. LOL... I did things I have never done before and experienced feelings that I thought I forgot. Just uninhibited fun.

As soon as I got on the plane to come home...I became vacation sick. I said that I needed just one more week. Another day even. I came home and dropped my bags. They sat there up until a few minutes ago...

Opening the bags let out a familiar fragrance...happiness. The smell of the sand, salt water, and tropical island brought me back to that place. Immediately I began to have flashbacks of my time there...and I began to miss it all over again. Its amazing how connected the senses are...what they can do to you. Just eating a certain kind of fruit can bring back the memory something grand...you know? I took my heavy bag, sat it on my lap and looked at the outfits I wore. I wrapped myself in them and took in their scent, trying to capture the moment when I wore it. What I did and who I was with. Gave me the shivers. I remembered the impenetrable smile that would never leave my face. I saw the salty swimsuits in my bag and could almost feel the sand in between my toes. I put one on...and am still wearing it. This is an escape...I wonder when I'll have the courage to take it off.

Getting up without an alarm clock, feeling sexy and free. Letting my thoughts wander as I lay on the beach without a single care in the world. Meeting people from all around the world who just wanted to let their hair down.

When I visited the discoteque, I saw women and men dancing...eyes closed. Thoughts ablaze. Just basking in the sensual moment they were in right then. I joined them... feeling my limbs twist and gyrate...as if one with the music. My partner felt my energy and his thoughts became mine. His hands knowingly explored my skin and took in the fragrance on my neck. Been so long..... There was no need to allow or prohibit. No words to be spoken. His energy picked up everything it should have. Our bodies swayed to the waves that crashed outside and sweat dripped to the beat of the music. I wondered was it the place that was so enchanting? If so, I might invest in timeshare...LOL.

No one understood what this trip meant to me. I plan on making this something regular....

Untitled so far ....

I know I'ma add onto this at some point....

I'm trying to make sense of this familiar emotion
I'ma let it engulf my thoughts and questions, hold on for dear life.
I miss this feeling, this escape, this flutter, the confusion, the signals, a smile that could take me anytime.
My only regret is that none of my sonnets, phrases, breaths, or anything else I create
Could even begin to sound like your HELLO...
Too much to digest all at once
I have to dissect you, take you in doses like an elixir.
You're so beautiful.
I thought of you more than I should have
While you were actively forgetting me.
So unexpectedly...
Almost as if I'm smelling sunlight and tanning in perfume.
I am thinking of you.
Sweet and mysterious with distance kept and a guard hired.
I wonder if my skin is strong enough.
Can it withstand the purity of your honesty...
or the clarity of another teardrop?

Confessions of a Side-Piece...(title edited)

Am I a secret?
Do you mention me when it matters most?
Does my kiss stay with you when time forbids our union?
I wonder if I'm stuck in the embrace of a lie or if I'm kept safe with secrets shared on a pillow.
Is my heart coveted in whispers
or is my name carved on the steps to your front door?
Ringing loud and clear?
Reigning omnipresent?
Murmurs in night shadows?
Taboo thoughts?
Are you wearing my smile on your lips?
Does it hold office in dismissed emotion to be unnoticed or untouched like fine China?
Do you make mockery of my favorable person among jesters in my absence?
Would you give my feeling occasion when your whereabouts are vague?
Am I to dwell in ambiguity?
You haven't called?
Am I not enough?

Date Night

I wrote this after thinking about a bad date a few months ago. Nothing happened, but I got a little imaginative.


I stare at you with a closed eye
While we secretly anticipate the moments.
I try to will myself out of a mistake.
I don't want to be here.... with you.
I don't know you....no chemistry...I'm going with a "flow" that isn't there.
You kiss my shoulder
And whisper your intentions in my ear.
I hear another song...another voice.
We engage and I push the regret to another room to sit with my loneliness.
Visions of another love emblazon my mind.
He crept in my dreams and danced with me while I was with you.
I don't make the time to feel sorry.
I don't allow the chance to come clean.
I'm too occupied with his face to look at yours.
I miss him more than I want to admit.
I robbed him of his fire when I walked in here.
I don't like you.
He doesn't love me.
I play myself and I know it.
But my mind gets cleansed with his face.
When we touch, the components of the "we" change.
They have to or else I can't do it.
A part of me is sorry,
And the other part is sipping a tropical drink.
I am with you and I escape to a lost moment.
Watching a movie under my eyelids.
I found it tucked under a pouted lip when you asked me out.
My dreams make him a whore.
I feel silly and out of place.
I know where I belong.
This first time with you is was a second, third and fourth with him.
You won't get that luxury.
I'm leaving before you notice.
It's not you...it's me.
I'm not calling you later or ever.
I'll be too busy waiting for his call.

Yusef

I don't really post about my son or my career. Someone pulled my card about that recently. I just figured that my blog should be about whatever I want it to be. I should post about whatever I want to. And my son isn't the topic of my adult thought. But I decided that he does open up a different side of me. He reflects change, expansion, and progress. I never thought I could be a mother. Doubt myself all the time. I'm entirely too selfish. But everynow and then, I think to myself. I realize that he's still standing. He eats normal kids his age under the table and still weighs 3-5 lbs. less than they do. And he's smarter than some of the adults I know. But one thing I know... I'm not sure who taught this kid the stuff he knows, but if he tells me to go to the kitchen one more time, I'ma sell him on eBay.



So here's my son, Yusef.













He loves Elmo. It was kinda inevitable. I think he thinks Elmo is his kid brother. He's always feeding him and putting him to bed.







Yeah, he thinks he's all that. If you tell him he's cute, he doesn't say thank you. He bats his eyes like Bettey Boop.
A shame....







We play sometimes....





And we stare each other down....





And he plays music....whether I like it or not




So that's him....